So you’ve just completed a wildly successful career as a professional athlete in the Women’s National Basketball Association: Don’t worry, you still have a chance of living a full, happy life in spite of your former career. Here are the steps you need to return to being a woman after a career in the WNBA:
1. Accept your past.
Before you can put your glorified WNBA career in the past, you must first accept that it actually happened. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say, “I played in the WNBA, but that’s over now. I’m moving on.”
Acceptance can take a long time, so don’t back down from accepting your embarrassing four-title history. By verbally acknowledging the deeply satisfying career mistake you’ve made, you’ll be one step closer to being a true woman.
2: Erase the Memories.
While you’ll never truly forget the mistake you made, do the next best thing by removing any connection to your rocky and illustrious past as an American women’s athletic hero. Melt down your trophies into a stylish piece of abstract art. Break out your sewing machine and turn your jerseys into a color-blocked quilt. Fold your lifetime of team pictures into a paper flower arrangement.
Make sure the thousands of dollars you earned goes somewhere productive, like a Kickstarter campaign for your new home jewelry business. The sky is the limit! As long as you can accept that you used to be in the WNBA.
3: Learn to Begin Again.
Don’t just sit on the bench and grovel about your mind-blowing accomplishments – start a new project! Begin a blog about rediscovering your personal style, return to school to become a “businesswoman”, or finally start a family with a man who loves you in spite of your past. Just remember that when things look tough, real women everywhere have your back, like a team (except less gay!). You can do this! Womanhood on 3!
Before you know it, the children who you signed autographs for will forget who you were, and maybe, if you’re lucky, so will you!