Five Sexy Alter-Egos to Try Out at The Grocery Store

Think a trip to the grocery store has to be a time-wasting bore? Think again. Next time you find yourself at the grocery store, try on these fun, sexy and relatable characters to make a visit to the produce aisle a little more interesting for yourself and those around you!


Desperate Cougar
You don’t have to have been trapped in a loveless marriage for twenty years to drive the college boys wild – just throw on your favorite yoga pants and a giant novelty engagement ring and stand near the checkout yelling into your Jawbone headset about how you once fucked Cameron Diaz’s Pilates instructor in the back of a Jamba Juice. Then watch out of the corner of your eye as that hot little bagger checks out your sculpted ass. Mrs. Robinson just met her match!


Artisan Baker
Nothing says “hot to trot” like an oven full of locally made bread – why not look like you’re the one who made it? Throw on a dirty apron, rub some flour in your hair, and grab your ancient-grain sourdough starter, because it’s time to seed that rye! Browse the aisles, exclaiming that, “only the finest ingredients will do!” Just don’t be surprised if everyone at the store asks to taste your muffins.



Ghost of Sylvia Plath
American sweetheart Sylvia Plath continues to live on in our collective imagination, her tragic suicide solidifying her title as one of the 20th century’s most mysterious and sexy female authors. Channel Ms. Plath’s morose sensuality with a cute 60’s bob, a pencil skirt, and a vaguely unsettling indictment of the patriarchy, while scanning the cereal aisle. Look out, Ted Hughes – this ghost is real!


International Spy
Whether it’s a mission to recover a stolen microchip or a quest to find the perfect chocolate chip, you’ve got it covered. Wrap yourself in your favorite leather trench coat and some sexy thigh-high boots. Murmur code words into your sleeve while browsing the bananas and ask the clerk where the tampons are in an Eastern European accent. Feeling fun? Whisper, “I know thirty-seven languages, and I’m not wearing any underwear.”


You’ve got an appetite…for love. Embrace your inner parasite by taking other people’s food right out of their carts and devouring it in front of them. The thrill of denying others in order to sate your own desires will turn an ordinary afternoon of errands into a very sexy situation. And because tapeworms are hermaphrodites, you can be your own nutrient-sucking lover. Bon appetit!