You’re alone at home, minding your own business when a small, grey dot darts into your periphery. Terror consumes you as you come to terms with what it is: a fucking SPIDER. This disgusting little asshole decided that he wants to chill out on your wall and now he won’t stop staring at you with his hundreds of creepy eyes. Since there is absolutely no way you’re gonna get close enough to kill him, here’s a guide on how to gently talk some sense into the spider and gently coerce him back to the underworld from whence he came.
Do Not Cry or Show Fear
Once you beckon to the spider and he acknowledges you, your first instinct will be to either burst into hysterical sobbing or tremble at the sight of his several rows of sickening black eyes looking at you, analyzing you, like he sees something you can’t see about yourself. Stand your ground, remain firmly confident, and proceed with your coercions. Keep the conversation light; perhaps start with a Chuck Norris joke or a web-related pun!
Speak Softly but With Clear Intent
So as not to elevate tensions and make things any more scary than they already are, try your best to not raise your voice too loud — absolutely nothing above that which you’d use to complain about food to a waiter. That said, let him know precisely what you want. The last thing you want is to be unclear and wake up with his arachnine aftertaste lingering because he made a den in your sinuses. Keep it gentle, but keep it honest.
Do Not Offer Bugs. This is “Enabling”.
An idea that’ll cross your mind is to offer this guy some yummy bugs in exchange for leaving you alone. Not only will this make you seem pandering and weak, like a grasshopper, it’ll counterproductively keep him around in his hopes that you’ll continue your pathetic attempts to be affable, enabling his problematic behavior of being on walls. Don’t be afraid to be a little bit mean to the little guy, but keep it classy!
Try and Channel Your Ancient Arachnid Brain
He’s going to try to connect with you, either emotionally or physically with a web, and either way it’s best to let him try. A long time ago, we shared a crab-like chelicerate ancestor, and with some mental diligence, empathy with him is possible through this evolutionary coupling. Focus hard and speak great truths using the power of hormones and DNA! (This might not be scientifically supported, we didn’t check.)
Use The Uniquely Human Gift of Dishonesty
Once he trusts you, which is an achievement in and of itself, it’s time to lie like you’re back in college therapy. Since spiders have not yet developed the social skill of deception, tell him that the next apartment over has a giant fruit-fly infestation and a very sexy ladybug living behind the bedroom mirror. He’ll be out of sight and out of mind in no time!