Picture this: You’re getting ready to sleep over at your white S.O.’s place for the first time and you break out your scarf, wrap, or bonnet when you see their brow furrow with confusion. You watch the gears in their head start to turn while they’re thinking: “Hm, why is my girlfriend wearing a shower cap to sleep?” Now, as soon as they open their mouth to ask, put a finger to their lips and tell them “SHHHHHHHHHHH” for a few seconds too long. They’ve obviously never dated a Black girl before, so you need to let them know not to ask questions like this right off the bat. Here’s how to explain away all their confusion in a condescending way.
Shame them.
Your white partner will probably take a few guesses as to what’s on your head: a bandana, a hat, some other sort of foreign “thing.” This is when you need to start screaming, “ARE YOU DUMB? DOES THIS SERIOUSLY LOOK LIKE A BANDANA TO YOU?” You need to say this word for word. At this point, they will be scared. Good. You have them right where you want them.
Ice them out.
Next, you need to glare at them for at least 20 minutes. No more, no less. They need to know that their lack of knowledge about Black hair care is criminal. They should feel shame. If they don’t, you need to pack up your stuff and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY while screaming unintelligibly and waking up all their roommates so that your S.O. has to explain what just happened to them.
Break them down.
Now when your partner is already ashamed, you need to start teasing them. Say “I can’t BELIEVE you don’t know what this is” while laughing hysterically. “Maybe you should sleep on the floor tonight.” At this point, your white partner is likely to agree.
Rest easy.
After this, you should be cozy in bed while your S.O. is sleeping on the ground beneath you, no blanket. And remember to still be laughing maniacally. Maybe spit on your partner a couple of times. They will know that they deserve it. And if you’re not feeling tired just yet, consider pulling out your phone and vlogging about the whole situation. This way if you start feeling sleepy, you can invite your followers to join in on making your partner feel inferior.
After this, your partner will have probably learned their lesson. They still won’t know what a bonnet is, but at this point, they’ll definitely be too afraid to ask again.
