How To Distract Your Island Lover So You Can Pee In The Ocean

Finally! You’re on your tropical vacation. Sand between your toes, wind in your hair, and liquid in your bladder. Wait a second! You really have to pee, but you don’t want to get out of the water and spend even a moment away from the guy you met at the Sea Shack. No! Your new island lover is swimming closer with that lovey look in his eyes, but you don’t want him to know you’re peeing right now. Escape this classic dilemma with these helpful tips:


Play fetch.

Any water-loving guy will feel compelled to dive after whatever you throw or “lose.” Take whatever you have on you—your sunglasses, a seashell, your wedding ring—and throw it as far as you can away from him. Make sure to yell, “Catch!” as though your aim is just bad. Or, better yet, pretend you lost something important, like your wallet. Say you last saw it “over there.” He’ll be searching for hours while you let that urine rip.


See a “cool fish”.

Look just past him and say, “Oh my God, look at that cool fish!” Keep describing it in great detail, how it was “so big” and “all kinds of colors” and “you can’t miss it” as you let urine flow freely out of you. It feels so good to let it all go.



Use science.

So your distraction methods failed, and you’re currently peeing within inches of your sexy puka-shelled paramour. All is not lost! Ask him if he’s aware of tidal warm pockets, believed to be caused by global warming. Keep talking about glaciers, wave patterns, and algae until the traces of your pee have disappeared.


Drown him.

Your tanned beau is not buying your science, and he’s asking if you’re using it to mask the fact that you just technically peed all over him. It shouldn’t have come to this, but he leaves you no choice. Push him under the pee-ridden water and try to forget the one beautiful night you spend together. If he struggles, bash his head with a heavy rock. A bittersweet end to your summer romance!


Next time you’re stuck with a lover, a full bladder, and the vast ocean, use these infallible tips to avoid some embarrassing questions. Plus, they also work for distracting anyone who approaches to ask if you just drowned the guy you were with!