How to Finally Ditch Sugar and Chad

For a long time, you felt like sugar and your on-again-off-again boyfriend Chad were harmless, guilty pleasures. Sure, you allowed yourself the occasional indulgence, but who doesn’t from time to time? Then you bought that food journal and began logging your meals: a Sonic POWERADE® Mountain Berry Blast® Slush. TGIFriday’s Tennessee Whiskey Cake. A cheeseburger with extra Guy Fieri-brand Donkey Sauce. So many Jägerbombs your head hurts even now just saying that word. Uh oh—those were all Chad’s date-night picks. Wait—Chad never lets you pick the restaurant. You suggested sushi last week, and Chad said, “Nah, I’m not into Chinese food.” Then he stood you up to watch a Shakira concert—on pay-per-view. Girlfriend, it’s time to finally ditch sugar and that asshat Chad before they ruin your life! Here’s how:


Know the science.

Sugar is made of equal parts fructose and glucose. Chad is made of equal parts man and chode. Both put you at higher risk for some bad things down the line, from Type II Diabetes and heart disease to spinner rims on your ‘92 Camry and “VIP” events at Vegas strip clubs hosted by Shia LeBeouf’s cousin. This is not a healthy precedent to set so early on! Knowing why sugar and Chad are bad for you will help you stay far away until they’re both out of your system.


Use the buddy system.

Adopting a sugar-free, Chad-free lifestyle won’t be easy. Both sugar and Chad have become hopelessly entangled in your daily activities, like when you noshed Red Vines and soda in the megaplex parking lot while Chad paid full price to see Entourage for the third time. Enlist your friends to help you break your bad habits for good. They’ll be more than happy to help guide you out of the heavy fog caused by insulin shock and Drakkar Noir, especially since Chad has openly hit on most of them right in front of you. Teamwork makes the dream work!


Don’t go cold turkey!

Even though you’re determined to unchain yourself from this toxic pattern, it’s best to taper your consumption gently, rather than flushing all the sugar and yet-to-be-redeemed “good for one back massage” birthday coupons Chad has gifted you over the years at once. Otherwise, you’ll wind up shaky, irritable, and craving a sleeve of Thin Mints and the class act who told your mother that “big thighs must run in the family”.


Beware of Chad’s and sugar’s many aliases.

High fructose corn syrup, dextrose, evaporated cane juice: all of these are simply sugar in disguise. C-Man, Charles in Charge, and LongChadDong are Chad’s poorly disguised (and more than a smidge racist) Ashley Madison usernames. Chad is “between call center jobs right now”, so he used your corporate credit card to register for several premium accounts. Thanks, Chad! Knowing the disguises sugar and Chad take on will help you stay away when you’re snacking late at night or browsing online for better man options.


Become a label reader.

To break your reliance on sugar, carefully read nutritional labels to seek out foods rich in whole grains, fiber and lean proteins. To break your reliance on Chad, read the labels in your closet and extract anything labeled “Ed Hardy” or “Four Loko Executive Collection.”


Replace old habits with healthy alternatives.

Your body needs time to adjust to unsweetened foods and men with good credit scores. Start small and incrementally work your way up to sugar-and-Chad freedom. Don’t merely cut out bad habits—add in healthy new replacements. For instance, swap your morning doughnut out for some plain Greek yogurt and fresh berries. Instead of lunch at the Del Taco where you first fell for the man whose pick-up line was, “Do you work here lady? The Mountain Dew Code Red machine is buste—hey, nice tits”, try chatting with someone who visits his Meemaw to drop off groceries (not to steal her back pills and mash them up with Ritalin and Sunny D.)


It won’t happen overnight, and you may even experience a few false starts, but with time, persistence, and a strong support network, you can ditch sugar and Chad. You’ll soon blossom into a new, stronger version of yourself who doesn’t spend every Saturday in Chad’s stepmom Brenda’s basement, running sound for a Korn cover band called “Me So Korny”.


And remember, nothing tastes as good as erasing Chad’s “skinny jeans aren’t for everyone, kiddo” text feels.