Woman Finally Finds ‘The One’ to Ditch Her Friends For

She never thought it was going to happen. But 35-year-old barista Jackie Kane is reportedly dating a man who is dating her right back. And he’s not just any man: According to Jackie, this might just be the man for whom she’d be willing to abandon all her friends forever.


“Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always dreamed of that fairytale romance that would sweep me off my feet and enable me to flake out on every subsequent brunch invitation,” says Jackie. “I believe that Keith is that knight in shining armor.”


Jackie’s girlfriends were confused about Jackie’s recent distance, which they describe as “a bummer” and “where’s Jackie”.


“We were supposed to meet up last Thursday,” says her friend Julie, “But then Carol couldn’t do it because her boyfriend’s band was playing somewhere and she had to go to that. Then we rescheduled for Friday, but then Jenny’s boyfriend’s cat was sick.”



The group has tentatively moved the meeting to Monday, although they are still waiting to hear if Jackie’s boyfriend is going to have a couple of cavities filled that day.


“If he’s going to the dentist that day, I want to be there to support him,” says Jackie. “Maybe we could move the meeting to Wednesday?”


Keith himself denies asking Jackie to scuttle her entire social circle for his sake. “Look, I’m crazy about Jackie. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. But I actually don’t want her with me every single second. I want her to have her own life.”


Keith went on to enumerate the circumstances in which he’d rather be alone, including writing, reading, talking on the phone to his family, toilet time, practicing the guitar, and hanging out with his friends.



When told about this list, Jackie grew quiet, a quiet that quickly turned to steely resolve. “I guess I could just do jigsaw puzzles during those times,” she murmured.


“Look, I know I did the same thing to Jackie when I got married 15 years ago,” says longtime friend, Lizzie. “And then again nine years ago when I started having kids. And I guess again last year when I started really getting into CrossFit. But that doesn’t make it okay for her to do it to me. Three wrongs don’t make a right, especially if it means I won’t have anyone to go to Ulta with.”.


In the meantime, Jackie is positively glowing in love.


“Keith is everything I’ve ever hoped for in a boyfriend,” says Jackie. “Finally, it looks like I, too, will be able to ditch my friends.”