How to Be a Sex Goddess Even When Your Foot is Stuck in a Hole in His Mattress

Did your guy’s dog chew a hole in his mattress because there was bacon grease on it, and now your foot gets stuck every time you fool around? Who are we kidding—this happens to everyone! Follow these tips to stay sexy while your foot is jammed in a mattress hole!


Use It For Leverage

Have you ever been rock climbing? Well, now’s the time to apply what you learned up there on that wall! Use that freshly chewed mattress hole as a foot grip to really give it to your partner. Those jagged springs jamming into your arch will speed up your trip to Poundtown! Note: Confirm that you did get that tetanus booster in college.


Blow that Ween to Smithereens

You may think you can’t do much now that a part of your body is being held hostage by the very piece of furniture you’re fucking upon, but you totally can! A killer BJ can distract the most focused of men and will surely shield you from the embarrassment of being found stuck in a hole in his mattress. So rock that wang like a hurricane, sister! The best part is that you won’t even notice how tired your mouth feels because you’ll be too worried about your footblood pooling in the mattress hole. God damn that stupid dog and his love of bacon-greased metal coils!




It may seem unorthodox, but an unexpected sound followed by mutual laughter can startle and distract your man just long enough for you to yank your foot out of that painful chew hole! Once you both finish, you can have an argument about which is grosser: purposefully farting during sex, or not replacing a bed that’s been destroyed by an animal because he spilled bacon on it. Keeping a man guessing is just what a sex goddess does!


Now that you’ve navigated a playful romp in your boyfriend’s shitty house, you’re free to suggest a new scene for your next rendezvous! Like, say, your place, which looks like a non-feral human lives there!