Is He Hot or Just Far Away?

Physical attraction is a complex process that even science can’t seem to nail down. One of the most elusive elements in human chemistry is deducing whether the guy in question is super hot or just super far away from you. Hot, straight men are a dying breed, so it is natural to question what you’re seeing and take a second to figure out whether he is the man of your dreams, or you’re just kind of guessing because it would be nice to see a hot guy right now.


Ask yourself these questions to determine whether he’s your ideal physical match or just waaaaaaay over there:


Does his face have details or is he an amorphous blob of man shape?

Take a second to examine him. Is it his scruffy-yet-chiseled chin that is appealing to you, or just the wishful thinking of a woman who has not seen enough hot men to fulfill her quota for the day? If it’s the former, you’re in luck. If you’re just projecting your hopes onto a distant, man-shaped object, go home. You’ve tried hard enough for one day.


Can you reach out and touch him?

This one answers a lot. If you can reach him, he’s probably not that far away. He’s also close enough for you to use your hands to investigate his actual body—just ask permission first. If you’ve gotten that far, congrats lady—sounds like he’s hot! If you can’t reach him, he’s far away. Leave him there because he probably isn’t hot and you are just horny. Open up a new incognito window instead.


Is he playing sport on a field?

This one’s difficult. Being on a field with a strong athlete body means he might be hot, but face-wise, it’s gonna be a lot harder to tell from the bleachers. If you have good seats and he’s not wearing a helmet, proceed with hotness. If you’re farther than two rows back and/or he is wearing a helmet, do not pass go, do not collect $200.



Is he in the background of a television show?

If he’s in the foreground, he’s definitely hot. But if not, keep in mind that they always put the mush-faces in the back of TV now. Not hot! Set your lady phaser to ‘blah’.


Is he just a centimeter big?

MAJOR RED FLAG! If he’s only a teeny tiny bug, he’s definitely too far away for you to determine his true appeal. Perspective really complicates this issue because it makes you believe that you are seeing things in true size when you literally can’t tell his butt from a hole in the ground. Take off those “Near Goggles” and remove yourself from the situation. If you’re really that desperate to see a hot guy, go Google “Ryan Gosling body.” Ryan Gosling is certainly far away, but the camera that took those scorching photos was very close. He’s hot!


So next time you see a blazing hot dude, take a pause before squealing with delight to your friends. This will help you avoid embarrassment, because in all likelihood, this guy is not hot.