Help! I Had Sex With the Anonymous Hippopotamus in My Google Doc and Now He Wants to Reveal His Name

Who doesn’t love a little mystery? Or a lot of mystery? Or 100% covert sexcapades with unknown partners, one of whom is the Anonymous Hippopotamus in your Google Doc? That’s right – I did some erotic horsing around with an unidentified river horse. But now he wants to reveal his name.


Help me please!


Look, before I take any partner to my clandestine chambers, they know what they’re getting into: absolute uninhibited sexcursions and complete anonymity. That’s why I was totally titillated when I encountered the Anonymous Hippopotamus one night while working late in a Google Doc. I knew it was on when he placed his cursor firmly on mine. But I would soon tragically learn we weren’t editing on the same page after all.


Everything was going smoothly (and roughly when we wanted it to), until my Anonymous Hippopotamus told me he wanted to “take things to the next level” and reveal his identity. He said that me calling him “Anonymous Hippopotamus” all the time was quite “a mouthful” and I replied, with a wink, “What’s wrong with a mouthful?” And he said, “Can you stop that for a sec? I’m trying to have a serious conversation. I like you and want to get to know you better.”


UGH. What in the fresh hippo hell?!


He’s nearly control + alt + deleted my arousal. If I wanted to know his name, I would have just used Word from the start. What if his name is Greg or something equally tragic and the allure is lost forever?


So, what do I do? Should our grind come to a halt? Do I really have to give up our feral quests because hopefully-not-Greg wants to tell me his probably awful name? Or is it possible for us to keep the untamed thrill alive? Should I demonstrate growth and maturity by being more vulnerable? In other words, should I elevate our relationship to the highest possible level of intimacy – learning someone’s name?


It’s difficult, but I think it’s pretty clear what I have to do: ask him to change his legal name to Anonymous Hippopotamus, or I could call him A.H. for short. Or AAAHHHHH while we’re doin’ it.


Wow, I feel more mature already!