‘Sup my ball sacks and ball snacks! It’s Dude Corner coming at you hot with another unsolicited opinion. I know some of you are all hysterical over the lack of affordable women’s healthcare, but I’m telling you to stop bleeding your panties because I’m about to give a hypothetical situation where I’m right and the rest of you can suck it.
So let’s say we don’t listen to me, a guy with lots of knowledge about birth control because of that article I read one time. What might happen? Would we fall into a Mad Max-style dystopia if we gave women free healthcare? Not to freak you out but in this imaginary situation, the women overthrow the government once their pussies are all doctored up and chaos reigns. Do you really want that to happen? I mean, how would you get to your hair appointments if you ladies were constantly dodging bullets and fire and fire cars with bullets? Seems pretty dangerous to me, so I say we call a spade a spade and admit I’m correct within the specific realm of this scenario I just invented.
If that’s not enough to get you to finally shut up about going to the lady parts doctor at a cost you can afford, listen to this. Not to trigger warning or whatever, but it’s scary. The year is 2052 and dogs are in charge. Humankind has no control after we elected a female president who got healthcare. Oh, that sounds good to you? Well guess what. In this situation I’m coming up with on the spot, animals get good healthcare, too, and the dogs learn how to operate machinery and put every human on a leash. They already taught that one dog how to talk with buttons, so this could totally happen. At least that’s what I’m telling you, and you better believe it because what if you died because you were wrong?
What if — and this is totally hypothetically possible — 75% of women become part robot after getting pap smeared? When this shit hits the fan, you wouldn’t be in control of your body anyways, because in this situation you’d be one of the ladies to turn into a cyborg, controlled by some kind of feminist NASA. So, I’m just saying we avoid having your heart be hypothetically replaced by some kind of microchip for your own good. Really, you should thank me for being so vigilant.
In all these hypotheticals I’m imagining, no one is happy, especially you. But maybe in one of them you’re lucky enough to survive, and you trek the globe, fighting off the bitter cold, zombies, and the wrath of an unloving God to find me and tell me that, in this totally possible situation, I was right all along.