Would you go to a store to buy a pre-made Indian corn bouquet? Fuck no – you’d do it yourself! So why shell out thousands of dollars on vet bills for pet surgery? The autumnal weather can affect Fluffy’s joints and kidney function, but don’t get lazy – put your crafty skills to work with these thrifty veterinary procedures ripped straight from Pinterest:
1. Patellar Surgery
Vet cost: $1,200 to $2,500
DIY cost: $45
Money saved: So much!!
Has Ollie been limping around with his kneecap all cockeyed? Patellar luxation is very common in many dog breeds. Try this unlicensed home surgery to get him back to romping in no time.
- a sterile scalpel
- bone saw
- 3 cups NyQuil (obvi!!)
- 4 ft. organic twine, color matched to your pet’s fur or skin
- dried maple leaves (optional)
1. Mix NyQuil into your pet’s favorite wet food. Wait.
2. Once your pet is asleep, make an incision above the patella.
3. Deepen the patellar groove and alter the surrounding tissues as needed, if desired.
4. Put the kneecap back into its groove.
5. Transpose tibial crest and secure with pins.
6. Sew the incision closed with a rustic whipstitch in the shape of a bone.
7. Garnish with dried maple leaves.
2. Simple Six-Step Perineal Urethrostomy
Vet cost: $3,000-$6,000
DIY cost: $110
Money saved: OMG!
Does a urethral blockage have your cat saying, “Get ME-OW-TTA here!” Whether it’s a stricture, stone or tumor preventing your cat from going #1, you can cure what ails her right in your craft room.
- sterile scalpel
- children’s Benadryl
- small albacore tuna, live
- mason jar of beads
1. Feed an entire bottle of children’s Benadryl to the tuna. Wait.
2. Let your cat eat the tuna. Wait.
3. Locating a smooth spot between your cat’s scrotum and anus, cut a small incision.
4. If your cat is an intact male, neuter him. Plenty of Pinterest boards to guide you on this one.
5. Reroute the urethra and close the incision.
6. Place the mason jar of beads next to your cat’s recovery bed for a fun splash of color!
3. Boho-Chic Bile Duct Carcinoma Removal
Vet cost: $2,000-$5,000
DIY cost: $68
Money saved: You get it!
Your pup has cancer? Ruh roh!
- sterile scalpel
- liver-flavored treats
- any leftover booze lying around the house – peach schnapps, crème de menthe, expired wine, etc.
- handful of baking powder
- 3 stalks of lavender
- vinyl of Joni Mitchell’s “Blue”
1. Soak the treats in booze. Get your dog wasted. Wait.
2. Rolling your dog on his back; make a large incision over his liver. If you don’t know where livers are – and why would you, you’re not a vet! – it’s the part of his belly that, when rubbed, makes his leg kick.
3. Remove all parts of the liver that look like cancer (it’s subjective).
4. Opening the curtains to reveal a glorious autumnal sunset, make yourself a cup of hot cocoa, breathe deep the dusky aroma of lavender, and listen to “Little Green” on repeat until tissue samples come back cancer-free.
You may not be a vet, but you are a veteran DIY-er! Pin that tibial crest – to Pinterest! Your pet will be rolling over with gratitude!
Ed. note: This guide is for decorative purposes only.