Who says you can’t have an active sex life and the comfort of a shoe with an American Podiatric Medical Association Seal of Acceptance? Nobody, that’s who! The path to achieving your dream may not be easy, after all—you’re not just looking for optimal arch support; you’re also looking to get laid. Here’s your road map to getting what you want and stepping over the obstacles in the safety and comfort of your Danskos.
1. Get Sassy and Stylish…with Socks!
Every Dansko wearer needs a seasonal sock that says, “I don’t only dress for comfort.” Offering a glimpse into the side of you that has been eclipsed by your heavy clogs, accent socks make great conversation starters—you might even discover a shared love of Thanksgiving, or pirates! They’ll turn the conversation away from your Danskos and right back to sex-having.
2. Pretend you’re a nurse.
Nurses rely on the long-lasting support of Danskos—and what guy doesn’t love a constant caretaker? If you already are a nurse, this will be a snap. If you aren’t, just make up some nurse-y sounding terms and tell him you need to check his vitals. He’ll be too interested in the sex you’re about to have to ever look down at your sad clogs.
3. Segue from shoe expertise into sexy talk.
This strategy addresses the elephant in the room (your clogs) and gracefully leads him into a different room (the bedroom.) Transform your solid Dansko knowledge base into sexy dialogue!
“Dansko outsoles feature slightly raised heels and a gentle rocker shape, easing stress placed on the leg and back muscles after long periods of standing or walking. Though if your muscles grow sore, I know a place where we can lie down.”
“Originally discovered in Europe, Dansko clogs are now manufactured in a small town in Pennsylvania. I’d like to see your penis.”
4. Cute Customization!
A quick visit to any Dansko retailer and you’ll discover a myriad of playful patterns and textures for the traditionally bland kicks. While these options do provide a sense of style that is sure to capture the attention of men, you’ll need to make it personal. Grab a Sharpie or some puff paint and really put your message out there. A simple “ I’d rather be wearing my Louboutains” is a reminder that you ARE classy, or at least aware of what classy looks like, in spite of your choice of footwear.
5. Leave them at home.
Yes, we know. They’re comfortable. But when was the last time it even mattered that you forgot to take your Ortho Tri, huh? Could you maybe wean yourself off of them for one goddamn evening? You’re going to a bar, not a post-shift Pampered Chef party. Have some pride in yourself. We’re getting worried about you.
Remember: like everything, clogs will be coming back any time, now!