Love your job? Want to grow with your company? Then there will come a time when you’ll need to ignore your instincts and keep humiliating sexual harassment to yourself. Here are six helpful tips to help you hold it in, and ensure you don’t wind up becoming the office’s un-promotable “whistleblower”:
1. Use Spicy Food to Legitimize Office Crying Jags
When you see Robb in the hallway – the same Robb who tried to feel you up on the business trip – It’s only natural that you’ll need to have a good cry. It’s okay to let it out! Just start keeping jalapeno peppers at your desk, and if you feel the tears coming on again, just shovel one of those suckers into your mouth. You’ll tear up, but at least you’ve got the evidence to show everyone in the office that those tears are purely physical, and definitely not a sign of your pent up rage.
2. Encourage Him to Prey on Other Women
Next time Robb starts making those letchy eyes at you, try to casually work into conversation how slutty your office-mate Marley has been dressing. Maybe you even suggest she’s been talking about how lonely she is lately. This can backfire though, so it’s best to pick a woman who is naive, but has a strong moral compass. Chances are she’ll go running to lodge her own formal complaint, and you’ll finally get the private office you deserve!
3. Replace Emotional Rage with Physical Pain
Take an every day sewing needle, cut it down, and place it in the grooves of your watch. Next time you see Robb coming down the hall, instead of lashing out, you can just quietly give yourself a little pinprick right in the wrist and un-gently remind yourself of the joy you’ll feel when you get to finally add the words “Sales Director” to your email signature.
4. Pick a Fight with HR
If you hate your HR Manager, then you’ll never be tempted to confide in her about Robb’s unwanted sexual advances. The fight you start can be over anything – compensation, vending machine snacks, the latest assistant you fired – just make sure that when it’s over, she hates you and you definitely hate her. You’ll never proactively want to speak to her again, about anything.
5. Drink at Your Desk
Start keeping a flask in your bottom drawer, and play your own version of “Robb is a Douche” drinking bingo every time he passes by. It’ll turn your shame into a game, and your vodka breath will make you think twice about going anywhere near the boss. If the flask is skinny enough, you can even carry it around with you and people will just think you have a tampon in your pocket!
6. Become the Harasser
Nothing gets you over an unwanted breast massage like groping an uninvited breast (or sack!) of your own. Pick someone junior and clueless, and just give those jugs a good grab. You’ll find that victimizing someone else can actually be really empowering!