4 New Subscriptions That Will Make the Mailman Leave His Wife For You

It’s three p.m., and here comes Dennis, the mailman. Just when you think that this will finally be the day he accepts your offer of lemonade and a glute massage, this sexy public servant turns back to the streets. “Better finish my route – Gail’s waiting for me at home,” he says, shoving a pile of magazines into your arms.


Mailmen are notoriously hard game to hunt. But there’s no better way to a carrier’s heart than the right well-curated subscriptions. With these sexy new subscriptions, you’ll have Dennis on his knees in three to five business days – so curl up and die, Gail.


Your Alumni Newsletter.

When pursuing a mailman, it’s important that he know you’re a popular woman with many would-be suitors. Does Gail have a supportive and annually connected network of long-term friends and acquaintances? Did she even go to college?


Real Simple magazine

One look at that cover photo for bright fall meringue recipes, and he’ll be wishing he was having dinner at your place tonight – instead of sucking down unadventurous pot roast with that bitch, Gail.



Ann Taylor Loft

Everyone knows that Ann Taylor Loft is seduction kryptonite for any man – plus, if it flaps open to one of the lingerie ads in the back, you’ll have Dennis immediately calling his wife and telling her to “Fuck off forever, because I’ve found a real woman, now.”


Reader’s Digest

What are the odds that Gail even knows how to read? Let your carrier know that you’re an intelligent, savvy lady who cares about the idea of reading by snagging America’s oldest general interest magazine? When he slides this weekly into your box, he’ll only have two questions: “Why isn’t Gail as intellectually adventurous as this chick?” And, “Why have I built a life with Gail for 29 years when I could have left her based on this quality stack of reading?”


In no time at all, Dennis will be JUMPING out of that mail truck truck to see you, and definitely not his wife.