Think you know everything there is to know about sex? Well you definitely can’t figure out what the hell is going on with Joel. He’s hot, smart, funny, and you’re having a great time together – but Joel’s told you he has “certain sexual predilections” that have prevented him from forming intimate relationships in the past. What the fuck is that supposed to even mean? You’re going to work through it, and here are some bizarre truths about sex that won’t help explain Joel’s whole deal:
1. In a recent study, women claimed they think about sex 10 times per day, while men thought about sex 19 times per day. Weird!
What Joel thinks about wouldn’t strictly be recognized as “sex,” but he does think about “it” 50+ times a day, especially during the sexy striptease you thought might bring him out of his shell but instead left you both embarrassed and frustrated.
2. There are at least 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris alone – more than double the sensitivity of a penis. Wild!
And yet what Joel’s into apparently still feels so good, he’s spent $16,000 on it in the past year alone! More than double the amount of dollars as nerve endings in the clitoris! On a barista’s salary! Why isn’t this something he feels comfortable sharing with you?
3. During sex, your pupils dilate. Whoa nelly!
Not Joel’s. I mean, maybe a little, but mostly he looks bored. You can try some sexy outfits and role-play and he might try to play along, but all he’ll say is, “There’s nothing you can find in a sex shop that really does it for me.” Then he just smirks for five minutes. Nothing in the whole store? So then what, you’re supposed to just guess?
4. During orgasm, your toes curl and your nose runs. Say what?!
Joel read that and was like, “Not the kind of orgasms I’m trying to have!” What does that even mean, Joel?
5. “Rule 34 of the Internet” states that, “If it exists, there is porn for it. No exception.”
Rule 34A states “one exception: Joel’s thing.” Joel says there were a few scenes in Philomena that kind of did it for him, but mostly he has to draw his own pictures. You found one of the pictures once, thinking it would finally help you rev his engine, but it just looked like a crescent moon wearing sunglasses. So you asked Joel if his fantasy was to fuck the moon, and the way he said “no” was so condescending that you just withered on the spot. Back to square one!
6. Wolves, bears, and bats have all perform oral sex. Unbelievable!
Joel did want you to know right up front, it has nothing to do with bestiality, “but if done the right way, it could probably be considered animal cruelty.” Is that supposed to be a hint? What the fuck, Joel? Just spit it out.
7. The average driver will have sex in their car six times in a lifetime. Ludicrous!
Well, you just had to know, didn’t you? I guess it’s better to have some answers, but it doesn’t feel that way now. Obviously there’s really no place for you in Joel’s whole thing. I guess you could be the person who wheels the telescope in and out of the silo, but even that’s gonna get old pretty fast if you’re not getting off. So what’s it gonna be, a sexless relationship with Joel or another lap around the dating pool? I can’t decide for you, but if you do find yourself single this fall, don’t forget this wacky tidbit: the smell of pumpkin has been shown to increase arousal in nearly 90% of men! But not Joel, for obvious reasons.