Eight Subtle Ways to Tell Your Husband He’s Fat

It’s never easy to tell your man that he is losing his physique. Here are a few ways to gently, subtly say, “you got fat” without hurting his ego:

Gush Over Old Photos

Everyone loves a trip down memory lane combined with a good dose of shame. Pull out the old photo album and make a point of telling him how horny you get looking at the “old” him. When he looks at you, tell him how horny you aren’t.

Load his Amazon Cart with Weight-Loss Books

Got an avid reader on your hands? Unfortunately, those Dan Brown novels are going straight to his hips. Load his Amazon cart with some paperbacks and e-books that’ll get his heart racing in a healthier way. He won’t like you, but he’ll respect you.

Fill Open Chip Bags with Carrots

Curb his cravings by flushing out the Cheetos and filling the bag with a healthier orange snack, like baby carrots. He’ll smile at your gentle nod toward his growing waistline and you’ll both share a good laugh.

Tell Him Via Anonymous Email

Ever wonder how Hotmail and Yahoo stay in business? It’s because they make it easy to set up fake email accounts and message horrible things to people. Simply set up an unfamiliar address (ex: heychunks@hotmail.com) and subtly deliver your anonymous message (ex: “maybe it’s time to lay off the corn chowder.”)

Replace the Kitchen Table with a Treadmill

A classic bait-and-switch move! By nixing the table in favor of a treadmill, he’ll spend more time exercising AND start hating the kitchen. Talk about return on investment!

Slash his Car Tires

Walking is great exercise, but most of us drive to work, take the elevator and sit in chairs all day. Luckily, you can change his ways by destroying the thing standing between him and the pavement. He’ll get the idea, and appreciate the savings on gas.

Take All Your Doorways in Four Inches

Physically altering your home is perhaps the subtlest way to hint at your husband’s growing waistline. Hire carpenters to literally take in the walls. When your man inquires about the mysterious change, play dumb and let him come to his own conclusions.

Pull the Old Chair-Break Prank

One of the oldest fat-baiting tricks in history, the chair break involves purposely breaking a dining room chair and then loosely reassembling it, so it breaks again when your spouse sits down for dinner. This will definitely be his ‘rock bottom;’ he’ll be so embarrassed that he’ll only inhale laxative powder for weeks to come.