DUDE CORNER: It’s Always a Good Time to Bring Up the Uniquely Terrible Pain of Getting Hit in the Balls

Dude Corner

Sup, jockstraps! It’s Dude Corner here getting pretty serious here today. A lot of people seem to forget this very important fact about my balls, so let me make this super clear: It’s always a good time to bring up the uniquely terrible pain of taking a blow to the nuts. And I mean always.


To get the ball rolling (lol) on this grave but underrepresented issue, I’m here to talk through examples of when it’s appropriate to bring this up, but spoiler alert: It never isn’t!


The most classic and ideal time to mention how bad it hurts when your buddy punches your dick region is when childbirth is on the table. Now, I take childbirth very seriously, so much so that my own mom is basically the only woman I respect. But we also all know it can’t be that bad because chicks do it literally every day. Also, it’s just boring to hear about how painful childbirth is because that has nothing to do with me. You know what does have to do with me? Accidentally hitting a countertop corner with my junk so hard my vision goes fuzzy.


So bring it up! It’s an irreplaceable addition to this conversation.


Childbirth is a great starting place, but reminding vaginas that they’ll never know the pain of ball blunt trauma is great for any instance where women speak about their experiences. It doesn’t even have to be a physical pain comparison! If the gals in your life are stressing over governmental attacks on their reproductive rights, you can bring up how bad a nut tap smarts as a way to connect and empathize. How about the gov stops legislating women’s bodies and starts legislating my balls but only in order to protect them from being hit, but also, I still want to be able to punch dudes in the nuts sometimes because it’s funny. Ladies will appreciate this perspective.



And let’s not forget our trans brothers, woke kings. If you’re friends with a trans dude, or maybe he’s your coworker or he’s dating your sister and you don’t know how to connect, just remember the golden rule: It’s time to bring up the sui generis pain of getting hit in the balls! He’ll know you see him like everyone else, because you’re always talking about this to everyone else, AND he’ll be reminded of the distinct challenges of cis manhood. This topic is truly the gift that keeps giving.


Having balls allows us to make sperms, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taken seriously. Getting hit in fam jewels is a special cross that everyone with balls must bear, and the rest of the population should be reminded of this as often as possible. Ball pain: It is oppression!