Wassap, duderonees! Long time, no dap! As you may have seen – or perhaps heard – I just upgraded the ol’ 2018 Mazda3 to a 2018 Mazda3 with a loud fucking engine, and I just wanted to clear up some rumors out there. Yes, I did get an extremely loud engine because I want everyone to notice it, but I would like praise from my father particularly.
Fellas! Holla if you relate! I’m trying to bring “holla” back.
There’s no relationship like the one I share with my old man, Big Willy. We do super fun things together, like when I send him emails and he doesn’t respond, or when I leave him voicemails and he does respond, “Stop trying to contact me.” I just know that when he says, “Leave me alone,” what he really means is, “Leave me alone because I’m proud of you.”
Honestly, I think this engine thing is going to bring us even closer.
Yes, I got the loud engine because I thought it would go over well with the chicks. The ladies. The “chicanistas,” which is a word I’ve invented to refer to “the ladies.” But I suppose the one lady I’d really like to hear from is the Lady of My Heart: my dad. Does someone reading this have his new number? I do for sure, but I’m just wondering if maybe someone else does, too?
Just curious, my dudes!
Look, you guys know me, which means you know I love tricking out my sexy, sexy Mazda3 in any way I know how. Could it possibly all be an attempt to garner the attention and approval of my old man? Absolutely it is. Seriously, guys, does anyone have his new number? When I text the old one it shows up green.
I guess having a loud engine is about showing everyone that you can take up space. Fellas, do you ever feel like we shrink ourselves, make ourselves smaller, more palatable, to assuage the fears of others? Nah, me neither! Someone give me my dad’s number please.
So, when you hear me pushing 100 through a school zone, know that I’m trying to prove to you that I have a massive penis, and I’m trying to prove to my dad that he should call me some time. I am also trying to prove to him that I have a massive penis, but as my father, I guess he would know that’s not true. I mean…that it is true…
Uh, do you guys wanna hear something really loud?
