Deep Down, Bitchy Girl Just Wants to Be Loved for Hating on People

West Village native Amelia Schall told reporters yesterday that despite her frigid exterior, she merely wants to be loved for how she “hates on bitches so well.”


“Everyone has a gift,” says Schall, sipping on a mason jar of haterade. “Mine is a keen eye for losers and whores.”


Reports indicate that Ms. Schall (as she demands to be called by even her closest family) gained notoriety as a callous and coldhearted wolfwoman after asserting that Leslie only received a promotion because of the flirtatious relationship she had with their boss. After the fact, Amelia recognized that she had a desire for acknowledgement for her exceptional performance as an unrelentingly rude and conniving bitch.


“I thought about making myself a plaque that says ‘Unrelentingly Rude Conniving Cunt of the Year,’” says Schall. “But I just wish someone else would make it for me.”



When Schall’s boss confronted Amelia about her work, Amelia suggested that she “lead by example because she’s late every Monday morning, and we all know it’s because you drink too much,” before opening her arms, awaiting applause and validation from nearby coworkers.


Schall has been placed on administrative leave since the incident, but remains confident that her shitty attitude will one day be met with sweet, sincere admiration.


“People say I’m a toxic cunt like it’s a bad thing,” says Schall. “I just want one person to say it like it’s a good thing.”