It took a lot of hard work, but you’ve finally managed to emancipate yourself from the systematic class-based oppression of neoliberal capitalism. Congrats, girl! You’re done measuring your time in dollar signs, and you’re through with evaluating your worth on whether or not you remembered to Venmo Caroline for brunch. Never again will you be seduced by “products” and “possessions” like some mindless zombie consumer! But you can’t just keep this radical transformation to yourself—it is time to loudly the spread the news of your brand new, complete, utter contempt for greedy individualism and oppressive market economies with the perfect pair of earrings! Here are the most fabulous baubles to accessorize your political awakening:
Caged Cutout Ear Cuff (Forever 21, $3.90)
Break free from the shackles of capitalism with this kick-ass caged ear cuff that lets people know you went to Occupy Wall Street for a couple of hours! Pair this with a leather jacket for a look that sets you apart from the acquisition-driven, basic 99%. You are the coolest, most capitalism-rejecting chick at the rally!
Alexis Bittar Crystal Pyramid Stud Earrings (Bloomingdales, $85)
These crystal studded pyramid earrings were made to accessorize your stunning critique of the pyramid scheme that is capitalism. Sure, they’re a bit flashy, but now’s not the time for minimalism—this is the revolution! Remember, looking hot is the best revenge against the corporate fat cats trying to crush you beneath the hamster wheel of the 40-hour workweek. Let your lobes warn the people—this system is rigged!
Pearl Stud Earrings (Tiffany’s, $200)
These earrings are subtle and refined, like the power structure that quietly protects the dominance of the economic elite! These sophisticated freshwater pearls evoke the glamour of the 1920s, while subtly critiquing the decadence that caused the collapse of the global economy in 1929. For an effortless political statement, ironically pair these studs with a Little Black Dress as you mournfully ponder the eternal greed of the aristocracy.
Tressa Dollar Sign Stud Earrings (Target, 16.99)
These earrings aren’t just a major cultural commentary—they’re a goddamn political manifesto! They beg the question, “When we will stop worshiping the all-mighty dollar?” and you’ll answer, “When we see it for what it truly is: Just another meaningless symbol in my fabulous earring collection!” Everyone will declare you a political thought leader and a rising fashion icon to boot!
Cubic Zirconia Stud Earrings (Claire’s, $3.50)
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, these sparkly studs are a radical socialist lady’s most stalwart comrade! Let the foolish elites wear their 40-karat stones as they lounge on their luxury yachts and merrily toast to the staggering decline of the American middle class. Their days are numbered, and so is your earrings cabinet! (Each set of your earrings has its own numbered cubby, natch. You have a lot of earrings!)
Anarchist Circle-A Earrings (Trinket Slot, $11)
These bold earrings are for the punky, anarchist chick who’s not afraid to tell you why she’s in a lousy mood: because ruthless economic competition creates social alienation and private ownership destroys worker solidarity, asshat! These earrings make a powerful statement, letting everybody instantly know exactly what you’re about: crushing the system of mindless consumption. Best worn with combat boots and inexhaustible proletariat fervor. Eat your hearts out, capitalist greed heads!
Like all revolutionaries committed to overthrowing the capitalist elite, you’ve rejected the mindless clamor of the bourgeois. But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your style game! The right earrings will give you the glamour and confidence to inspire the masses to finally take down the mega-corporations that are squandering our earth’s precious resources! Keep fighting the good fight, you fashionista!
