Cosmetic Products That Are Slightly More Toxic Than His Masculinity

It can be hard to keep track of which types of makeup contain chemicals that can be harmful to your body. After all, you don’t want to put anything on your face that’s more toxic than the masculinity of a man who would rather punch a wall than process his own emotions. Here’s an easy guide to keep track of which makeup products are just slightly more toxic than his masculinity.


Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick

The most toxic lipstick on the Environmental Working Group’s scale is Rimmel Moisture Renew, available in a variety of toxic colors. The chemicals in this lipstick can cause biochemical changes and endocrine disruption, much like it disrupts your day to have to stroke the ego of an insecure man just so he can feel big and powerful. Avoid telling him that this lipstick the “highest-ranked on the uh-oh list” unless you’re ready for a night of him giving you a ranking of the hottest actresses as if they exist solely to meet his aesthetic standards. Rest assured, this line of lipstick will only cause slightly more irritation than watching him order a beer in front of his friends when you know he prefers margaritas.


Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Aging Perfector

Despite its name, this product is ranked near the top of the list of overall worst cosmetics on With the potential to be developmentally and reproductively toxic, it just barely edges out the toxicity of that guy beating his chest and howling at the moon after chugging a beer or icing his friend Rick. Be careful, because these powders can seep into your skin and do more damage than when he shoves past you to call the next round at the beer pong table.



Almay One Coat Nourishing and Lengthening Mascara

This mascara contains Retinyl Acetate, which has been shown to speed up the development of skin tumors and lesions. Could watching him exhaust his entire emotional capacity exclusively on sports also cause tumors and lesions? Probably, but we can’t tell for sure. What we can tell is that extended use of this product may be a threat to your health, like when you beat him at air hockey but he tells everyone that he “let you win”.


Black Opal Total Coverage Spot & Scar Eraser

This scar eraser might erase your high school acne scars, but emotional scars don’t go away as easily. So avoid this Black Opal eraser like you avoid men who overcompensate for their insecurities by starting fights in restaurants or using only the dark blue loofa. You should beware of this product, just as you are men who flex their muscles in public without any sense of irony.


Remember, these products just barely edged him out on overall toxicity, so avoid them just as much as you avoid men who grunt. Good luck out there!