At long last, Newport, RI resident Gia Tatum has found the product she’s been searching for her entire life: a Neti Pot that goes all the way to her brain.
Finally! Something to really scratch the itch up there!
“I’d learned to settle for Neti Pots that rinse out my sinuses, and I certainly wasn’t complaining,” Gia told reporters gathered at the scene. “But I knew my brain could use a good rinse, too. There just wasn’t the tool – nay, the science – available to make that happen yet.”
Sources confirm everything changed when Gia stumbled upon this elongated Neti Pot in the dollar section of her local Target.
“I recognized it immediately: an extra-long Neti Pot that would go straight past my nasal canals and up my sinuses, swish some saline solution around the folds of my cerebrum, and really clean out all the pesky gray matter that’s gotten so clogged all these years.”
Staff members at Target do not recall putting this Extra Long Neti Pot on the shelf, which suggests it showed up out of nowhere, like a non-FDA-approved gift from Neti Pot Santa.
“I couldn’t wait to try it when I got home,” Gia continued. “I prepped the warm saline, tilted my head over sick, prayed to God for the first time in years, and let her rip.”
Gia describes the following 35 seconds as “pure bliss.”
“I walked into the bathroom and Gia was hunched over the sink, eyes closed, humming softly to herself,” her roommate Eva Chisolm told reporters. “She was swaying back and forth and seemed really at peace. It was extremely unsettling.”
“I won’t say that I hallucinated, exactly,” Gia described. “But I also won’t not say that. Have you ever been outside on the first spring day after a long winter, sitting in the park in a warm patch of sunlight, surrounded by friends without a worry in the world, so at peace to the point of tears? That’s kind of what it felt like!”
Reporters volunteered left, right, and center to confirm whether this was true by trying out the Neti Pot themselves, but safety guidelines require that pots are not shared. Also, there was a fear that the experience would be so good – much akin to seeing the face of God – that reporters would not be able to bear life afterwards.
At press time, Gia vowed to never use the extended Neti Pot again for fear that it was simply too strong. She did get a cold three days later, though, and returned to her normal Neti Pot, which greatly paled in comparison.
