Step aside, Rachael Ray, there’s a new 30-minute meal queen in town: 25-year-old Hartford, CN resident Jessie Harman decided it was finally time she started cooking for herself, and promptly gave herself scurvy, the disease common in 18th century pirates.
You go, girl! Take your life into your own hands and endanger it!
“I spend so much money eating out and decided it was about time I learned to cook. I’d say it went pretty well!” Jessie told reporters from her hospital bed, where doctors expect her to make a speedy recovery once they combat weeks of malnutrition with a concoction of vitamins and minerals delivered via intravenous fluid.
Sources confirm Jessie’s “cooking” was a rotation of eggs on toast, beans on rice, and Trader Joe’s frozen pizza, none of which has any significant vitamin content.
Doctors at the Mayo Clinic are surprised at how quickly Jessie managed to give herself a disease that was common in Ancient Egypt around 1550 BCE and in China during the Liu Song dynasty.
“It typically takes about three months of absolutely zero Vitamin C in your diet for someone to get scurvy,” said nutrition specialist Dr. Haley Weintraub. “Somehow, Jessie managed to do it in one. It’s honestly impressive – in a scary way. Like how watching a teen drink six red bulls and survive is impressive.”
Sources report that in order for Jessie to start experiencing symptoms of scurvy so soon, she must not have had so much as a single shaving of bell pepper, brussels sprouts, cabbage, potatoes, spinach, broccoli, chili pepper, guava, kiwifruit, parsley, lemon, lime, orange, papaya, or strawberries all month.
Jessie confirms this is true.
“I was really excited about how much I was eating at home,” she continued. “But all of a sudden, I started getting tired and my gums were bleeding and my spleen felt weird. I chalked it all up to me being ‘off my vibes,’ but nope! Scurvy! Who would’ve thought?”
Turns out multiple doctors “would’ve thought” and did, practically immediately.
“Normally, we take an X-ray to be certain of this diagnosis,” Dr. Weintraub said. “But this time it was just super obvious. She walked in and I was like, ‘Yup, that’s scurvy if I’ve ever seen it.’ And to be clear, I haven’t! It’s super hard to get!”
None of Jessie’s friends find this result particularly surprising, least of all her best friend, Greg Dukakis: “I kept offering to buy her meals, but she would say, ‘No thanks! I already had a ton of rice today.’ What? Was she just eating rice?”
Jessie confirms this is also true.
At press time, doctors were confident that Jessie’s scurvy had subsided. They also, however, implored her to stop doing whatever she was doing and just order take-out.