For those of us stuck inside all day, it can feel difficult to remain intellectually engaged. Luckily, with more streaming services than ever offering free trials, there’s plenty to keep you busy. Here are four classic films that are seriously garbage ass shit trash compared to the endlessly compelling, stirring, and thought-provoking work that is Steve-O’s Wikipedia. Enjoy!
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb by Stanley Kubrick (1964)
Don’t be fooled by this “classic” film’s deceptively cool title. Compared to literally any section of Steve-O’s Wikipedia, it is so fucking boring I would rather watch S-O staple his own scrotum to his inner thigh — something he did. Is that bad? Should we be worried about him? Are these “stunts” self-harm, or a radical form of bodily autonomy: transforming the body into text, tool, and raw material? Either way, it’s more interesting than a film that dares to ask, “How can Peter Sellers be the MOST underutilized?” Fuck off, Dr. Strangelove. Steve-O rules, Kubrick drools; no further questions.
The Godfather Part II by Francis Ford Coppola (1974)
Hi Frances Ford Coppola, The Hangover just called and it wants unsuccessfully trying to excuse a sequel by referring to it as “Part II” back. You could stream this three and a fucking half hour long movie, or you could read every last word of Steve-O’s Wikipedia, then every linked source, then watch a few interviews, then catch up with current S-O happenings on his Instagram (an experience that would actually teach you a thing or two about the human condition, unlike the mean Italians movie). Steve-O could play Don Carleone, but Marlon Brando couldn’t play Steve-O. What’s that? Marlon Brando isn’t in the second Godfather? Oh, that’s right, I don’t give a shit because compared to the life of Stephen Gilchrist Glover it’s a trash movie for garbage kids.
Rear Window by Alfred Hitchcock (1954)
Many consider Rear Window to be Hitchcock’s greatest work because it all takes place in one room, which is pretty radical. Just kidding, it’s not. You know what is radical? Every part of Steve-O’s life. Battling depression and addiction, finding his way to a chill and nonjudgmental veganism, achieving healthy romantic partnership, and having a giant back piece of his own face? King shit on a level Hitchcock could only dream of while being creepy and emotionally abusive to his actors. Next!
Breathless by Jean-Luc Godard (1961)
Yet another trash heap old movie by yet another white man. You know what other classic media is comprised of all white men? Steve-O’s seminal series Jackass, only Jackass actually deconstructed its white male subjects through challenges to the borders of the male body, explorations of bonding through shared pain, and physicalized attempts to transcend the very meaninglessness of life. Harmony Korine could never.
So during this quarantine, remember that there are countless classic films to be streamed, then don’t watch any of them because they are a goddamn waste of time compared to reading Steve-O’s wiki! Steve-O: He’s a lot to think about.