In a story that is, frankly, hard to hear, 25-year-old Jasper Kingsly had such a heartbreaking, soul-crushingly destructive summer fling that she has now decided it is time to turn to God.
Yay! Did someone say Christian Girl Autumn?
“Hot Girl Summer started just as I’d hoped,” Jasper told reporters outside her local church. “But sadly, it has ended worse than I ever could have imagined. I can normally rely on myself and my friends to pull me through tough times like these, but this time, things have gotten so dire that I figured the only person who might be able to get the job done is the Good Lord Himself.”
Sources confirm Jasper had an on-again-off-again fling with an extremely hot bassist named JR who, to this day, could not care if she lived or died. Sources close to Jasper describe the man as “Himbo Hercules,” which is redundant but evocative.
“I convinced myself that eventually our situationship would turn into something more, but I don’t know why,” Jasper continued. “I basically walked in on him kissing someone else twice a week.”
“He told her that he loved her about one week in, then didn’t text for a week, then would only text in one-word sentences, then went back to professing his love about three and a half weeks in because he was bored,” said Jasper’s roommate, Hailey Cox, who knows the story inside and out given the number of times she’s had to hear about it. “By the end of it all, yeah, I figured it was a good idea to let Jesus take the wheel.”
“Christian Girl Autumn is about healing the hole inside me by shoving some God up in there. It’s about taking my mind off of JR’s beautiful, perfect chest and his swoopy, dirty blonde hair, and his hot, hot avoidant attachment style, and…” she trailed off, overcome by a cold sweat.
“We at the Church of Holy Mother Mary welcome all who are suffering,” local Pastor Jean Craigson told reporters. “Especially that girl with the puffy eyes. Damn. Somebody did her dirty. Was it that JR kid? Yeah, he’s hot as hell. Is this being recorded?”
As far as whether this method has been successful, Jasper is skeptical: “I mean, sure, all the religion stuff is fine, I guess, but I keep seeing Jesus up there on the cross – all sexy-like – and it just reminds me of him.”
Due to this unfortunate resemblance, Jasper has since decided to end Christian Girl Autumn early and instead embark on a Jewish Girl Late Fall, hopefully with more luck.
Mazel tov, girl!
