We’ve all been there—looking down at that space between your thighs, wishing your genitals were built for hauling larger vessels through difficult maneuvers.
If you’ve ever wished for a more cute and nautical pussy, you’re not alone. Nine out of 10 women admit desiring a more resilient vagina that resembles a cute little tugboat, but are unsure of how to go about getting one. Does it hurt? Would I need surgery? Isn’t it expensive to get a puss-puss that could tow a sizable barge? Luckily, these days, drugstore brands are better than ever—not just for keeping our faces looking young, but also for turning our pussies into cute little tugboats! We’ve compiled a list of the best creams available for turning your gigglebox into the most enduring maritime vessel on the shore!
St. Ives Timeless Skin Collagen Elastin Moisturizer (Walgreen’s, $5.99)
Beauty experts and longshoreman agree—this cream’s for the cutest little tugboat on the high seas! Apply this luxurious hydrator to you-know-where, and you’ll be watching your pussy lend aid to a sinking megaship in no time!
Burt’s Bees Intense Hydration Night Cream (CVS, $17.99)
If you’re jonesing for an adorably maritime snatch, it’s best to go the organic route. This night cream’s blend of Clary Sage, Cinnamon Bark and Palm Oil will turn your mermaid purse into a pre-war, collector’s tugboat that never leaves the showroom. All the glitz without the hassle: Just wax her up, and watch the compliments sail in. It’s just a little tugboat!
Olay Micro-sculpting Cream Moisturizer (Rite Aid, $25.99)
This Micro-sculpting cream has nautical night repair technologies, which means your pussy will turn into a ship gradually over time, without running the risks of stretch marks or discoloration. Also, a boost of micro-sculpting amino acids prevents buildup from barnacles and the non-congenital sea crabs that like to shack up down there. Expect a fresh, paddlewheel feel in roughly 4-6 weeks. Adorbs!
Eucerin Q-10 Anti-Wrinkle Sensitive Skin Lotion (Target, $10.99)
Let that foghorn sound loud and proud with this multi-conditioning serum. With the benefits of Q-10 and anti-wrinkle technology, your pussy will look like it won the Maritime Innovation Award seemingly overnight. Dee-lish!
Look, your pussy has done a lot for you. Isn’t it time you repay it by turning it into a little tugboat? You won’t regret it, and neither will all those stranded barges.
