Back-to-School Trends for Your Kids Who Hate You

Back-to-school is right around the corner, and you know what that means: time to put the hottest styles on the ungrateful children who ruined your summer. Make sure yours start the year off right with these hot new trends!
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Graphic Tees

What better way to express your children’s combative personalities than with loud, printed t-shirts? Be sure to compliment them on their cool new duds so they can tell you to fuck off.

Multitone Backpacks

Send your scholars back to school with a bag roomy enough to purposely forget their books and not come home at night. Plus, with so many colorful pockets, there are endless places to hide doodles of you burning at the stake.



Help your princess become the center of attention with shoes that scream, “I will wear whatever I want, you stupid bitch. Get out of my room!” Pick up matching accessories she can throw at you without drawing blood.

Animal Prints

Live up to your nickname, “Whorish Cougar Slut,” by bringing exotic animal prints home to your cubs. School’s a jungle – they’ll thank you for the leg up (in sixteen years after hundreds of dollars worth of therapy).


This season’s fedoras are perfect for hiding the side-shave your daughter got after you expressly told her not to, and she suggested you eat a dick. Opt for a wider brim to hide any genetic clues she might be related to you.