Fall is here! Time for some of our seasonal favorites – apple picking, pumpkin carving, and harassing a new faculty member of your child’s middle school! Here are five smart ways to punish your kid’s teacher for grading them, reprimanding them, or being just a little weird.
1. The PTA Filibuster
There is no way that fresh-faced 24-year-old Algebra teacher can make your 8th grader do homework over a three-day weekend! Lace up your Wendy Davis sneaks and pull on your back brace – it’s go time! Stand your ground and fight for what’s right for several hours at the PTA meeting.
2. The “Mom-as Paine”
Type up some anonymous pamphlets laying out exactly why she’s a poor choice for your school, including her aggressive haircut, her insistence on being unmarried, and how rude she was when you showed up to her house. She’ll be gone before Yom Kippur.
3. The Mary Jane
Turn lemons into lemonade. Has your son turned to marijuana to cope with his teacher’s harsh lessons and weird face? Stash some of his pot in her desk, then call the cops on her.
4. The Letourneau
Convince a bunch of your kid’s hot 13-year-old friends to take her class. Just give it time – given her weird face and the creepy vibes she’s giving out, she won’t be able to resist their Axe body spray and minimal acne scarring. Where else is she gonna find love, anyway? She spends so much time RUINING your kid’s FUTURE by grading his work ACCURATELY during her OFF-HOURS. Ugh!
5. It Gets Worse
Encourage your son to use his special talents in school – have him bully her until she quits in tears. Feed him fake rumors about her promiscuity, drug addiction, and lack of genital hygiene. The kids in class are sure to run with it and have more access than you’ll ever be allowed. She’ll be running off school grounds in tears before you can say “Happy Halloween.”
Follow the steps above and your kid’s new teacher will be their old teacher in no time.