In an adorable story emerging from Manhattan, NY, 40-year-old Madeline Winters watched the 2024 election then defiantly proclaimed that she still thinks “this is not who we are as a nation.”
Aww! Somebody forgot about all the ways that this is exactly who we are as a nation!
“This just isn’t who we are at all,” Madeline told her friends as the 72 million votes for Trump trickled in right behind her. “It’s so obvious that no one wants this!”
Reporters lightly reminded her that according to the votes, this is exactly what Americans want.
“Sorry, um, I guess what I mean is…this is not the future our forefathers dreamed of!” she continued, gaining steam now. “This country is about democracy and freedom! This isn’t what we used to stand for.”
Reporters then calmly explained slavery, indentured servitude, and the fact that the 3/5ths compromise was a way for Southern states to count slaves towards their population when it meant they’d get more representatives in Congress but not count them for tax purposes.
“Right, sorry, of course. I didn’t mean slavery, which is obviously bad,” she continued. “I meant, like, after slavery! Once the Union won the Civil War and slavery was abolished. That’s who we are as a nation!”
Reporters sighed deeply, brought Madeline a cup of tea, and began explaining Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes, grandfather clauses, a myriad of other disenfranchisement techniques, and that women only gained the right to vote in 1920.
“Okay, yes, all of that stuff was bad for sure,” she continued, doubling down. “But we’ve changed! That was forever ago, and now we fight for freedom! We have morals!”
Some reporters left to get lunch, figuring this would take a while, while the others told Madeline about the Japanese internment camps in World War II, the Vietnam War, the Iraq War in 2003 (including the big lie of weapons of mass destruction), and American imperialism abroad, including Biden’s funding of the war in Palestine.
“Okay yes, so the international stuff sucks for sure,” she continued, clearly not getting it. “But the abortion restrictions Trump advocates for are so crazy – I just can’t believe our government would abandon its own population like this.”
At this point, there was only one reporter left, but she did a great job of relaying the truth about the AIDS crisis and the Reagan Administration’s refusal to even acknowledge it until Rock Hudson died, instead opting to let young gay men die as some sort of holy punishment for homosexuality. Within the context, the current stuff made a lot more sense.
As of press time, Madeline finally acknowledged that this definitely is who we are as a nation, but that she was still sad and angry about it. Reporters let her have that one.
