In a touching story out of Washington D.C., 20-year-old Tessa James has adopted the role of the mom friend by being hypercritical toward all of her closest pals.
“I’m the oldest of my three siblings and I’m a Cancer rising Pisces moon, so this stuff comes naturally to me,” says Tessa, who poses an existential threat to the self-esteem of those around her.
“Tessa once told me that I wasn’t really depressed, I was just miserable in life because I kept feeling sorry for myself,” says Lucy Dawkins, her friend of six years. “And then when I started crying she told me to be quiet or that she would ‘give me something to cry about’.”
Some mothers will spend the rest of their lives trying to develop a maternal instinct as sharp as Tessa’s!
“I just love my friends so much, but sometimes they don’t have their shit together,” says Tessa. “So, I have to make sure that they receive the hard truth from me before they go out and embarrass themselves in the real world.”
“Once I forgot to text her that I got home after a late night out and she said that I was turning into my no-good alcoholic father,” says Jason Goldman, a new addition to the friend group. “She then insisted that I was trying to kill her by increasing her blood pressure to induce a premature heart attack. So she took my phone away for two weeks and did not allow me to leave my dorm for social gatherings until I had thought about my actions.”
We wish we had a friend who cared about our health and safety like Tessa!
“Some might say that I’m a bit harsh,” says Tessa, “But don’t come crying to mommy when you end up on the streets, in jail, or in the hospital because you didn’t want to take my advice.”
Did she just refer to herself as mommy? Yes, but we truly cannot think of anyone who deserves the title more.