Dessert is a girl’s best friend, especially when the girls’ next-door neighbors are having loud, wild animal sex across the wall. Stop worrying about the loud moaning penetrating your eardrums and start burying your thoughts into these amazingly delicious dessert recipes! They might just distract you from all those cyclical orgasms from the people you’ve met twice on accident.
Nutella and Berry Dessert Crepes
These crepes are great for experienced chefs looking for a good, long distraction.
Ingredients:
1 cup all purpose flour
1 Tbsp granulated sugar
¼ tsp salt
2 eggs
2 Tbsp butter, melted
1 cup whole milk
1 cup Nutella
1 cup strawberries, sliced
Whipped topping (optional)
Powdered sugar (optional)
Earplugs (mandatory)
Start off by putting the first six ingredients into a blender so loud that the sounds of moaning from next door begin to move toward the back of your head. Next, carefully pour this blend into a non-stick skillet and begin tilting the pan back and forth in a therapeutic motion until the surface is coated evenly. Once this is completed, make sure to microwave the Nutella (placing head in microwave optional!) before spreading it evenly over one half of the crepe. Place a dollop of whipped cream and strawberry on top and you’re done, though make sure to avoid imagining how these two items could possibly be used in the room next door!
Pecan Pie Muffins
If you’re in the mood for something hot and unexpected that isn’t a shaking orgasm from the jerk who steals your Sunday Times, try out these sweet treats!
Ingredients:
1 cup pecans, chopped
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
½ cup flour
2 large eggs
½ cup butter, softened
The more expensive earplugs
Begin by placing the first three ingredients into a bowl and mashing them all together, utilizing years of pent up sexual frustration. Make sure the mixture is as smooth as that R&B song playing next door before pouring into muffin pan cups until they’re two-thirds full, like your neighbor. Complete the recipe by baking at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes, though you can wait a little longer if you really just want to see your whole building erupt into flames!
Chocolate-Covered Pretzels
These look like dicks.
Ingredients:
8 oz. semisweet chocolate
18 pretzel rods (from a 10-ounce bag)
Earplugs recommended to you by an ENT
This one’s pretty simple, but still monotonous enough to draw your attention away from the loud fucking next door. The first step is to microwave the 8 individual pieces of chocolate on high for 30-second increments. Follow this up by restlessly stirring the chocolate round and round in a bowl (think of it as a metaphor for your thoughts!) until it’s smooth enough for dunking pretzels in. Remember to place the pretzels on a baking sheet lined with waxed paper for drying purposes. You’re going to be tempted to suffocate yourself with the waxed paper during this waiting process, so just be patient!
Three-Ingredient Cake Mix Cookies
Nothing says, “I can’t tell if she’s having the best day of her life or if one of her ovarian cysts just burst,” like these quick, fluffy cookies!
Ingredients:
1 box yellow cake mix
1/3 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
Earplugs you bought from a magazine just for airline pilots
You’ll want to start off this recipe by setting the oven to 350 degrees as well as greasing the cookie sheets with the fury sweat already dripping down your forehead. Next, mix all the ingredients together in one bowl (remember the metaphor!) until it’s ready to be placed on the cookie sheet. Place in the oven for 8-10 minutes and you’re done; you’re so goddamn done. There’s going to be too many cookies for you to eat on your own, so try chucking the ones you don’t eat at the wall until the barbaric sexual acts next door finally, mercifully cease.
There you have it: desserts so delicious, you’re already beginning to forget about all the unspeakable sexual acts your neighbors are doing just over there!
