So your roommate’s friends are getting comfortable on the couch and they just popped open a bottle of wine. Your greatest fears are realized: She’s having people over!!! Scared to leave your bedroom, afraid of stilted conversation with people you don’t already know? Try these easy meditation tips to turn your crippling social anxiety into a night of spiritual enlightenment.
- Find a comfy spot to sit while you eavesdrop on their convo.
Sit still and let all your thoughts about moving in with some girl from Craigslist wash over you. What were you thinking? Really ask yourself that question. Stay close to the party so you can keep abreast of their goings-on, but far enough away that they can’t see you while they drink out of your good Crate and Barrel glasses. Acknowledge the substance of their conversations, then let it pass. You want to be at peace, not in a state of suffering over whether or not 22-year-olds know how to really get a wine glass clean.
- Stretch out and loosen up so you can fit in a hiding spot.
Do a little yoga before you start your antisocial meditation to help center your body and soul. This will help you be limber so you can dash underneath the bed when someone knocks on your door and asks if you want to join them. Be present, yet completely hidden. You may need to crouch in your laundry basket for an entire night, so make sure those joints and your mind are loose enough to prevent a full-blown panic attack!
- Breathe deeply, but quietly.
Focusing on breathing quietly helps you stay calm and fools everyone into thinking you’re not there, just a door away, hyperventilating about their presence, but rather are out socializing like a very cool, normal, not-hiding person. If they hear you, stop breathing.
- Pull your hoodie sweater string incessantly.
Nothing takes your mind off of your material self and how much you have to pee like having a manner or some form of repetition to focus on. So treat yourself to a good pull on your hoodie string. You can get a couple hundred soothing pulls in before your roommate’s guests finally leave and you’re able to go to the bathroom without being interrogated or forced to make eye contact. Wait—that didn’t happen, they all just got quiet to watch a Vine together. Motherfucker. Keep pulling on that string, but do NOT pee in your coffee mug.
- Visualize living by yourself, like a real adult .
So you just peed in your coffee mug and you’re feeling a little glum—but don’t let negative thoughts overtake you! Sure, you see your roommate’s friends polishing off the last of your homemade spinach dip and drinking the Merlot you got for your birthday, but visualizing the life you could have if you get a better job and the success that comes with social skills will take your mind off the fact that they’re not using coasters.
- Repeat a mantra to drown out boisterous laughter.
If you’re stressed out because now it’s definitely too late to go out and socialize without it being weird, try using a mantra. You can chant a simple thing like “Om” to quiet your mind and silence the annoying laughter coming from the living room. Your mind will be at peace and, if you shout it loudly enough, your roommate’s friends will feel so uncomfortable they won’t return.
- Release negative energy and find the popcorn under your bed.
Shake off those bad feelings and uncomfortable imagined interactions and accept the fact that you’ll never leave your bedroom again. Eat the tasty half-eaten bag of popcorn you just found on the side of your bed for sustenance until you feel safe in your own home. Alternately, see if anyone on Seamless is chill enough to deliver to your window.
Try these tips and you’re on your way to achieve serenity since your roommate’s friends won’t go to the fucking bar already! Namaste!