Bachelorette parties are so last year! It’s time to take your friendship to the next level and perform a ceremonial ritual to forever bond you and your fellow bridesmaids in sisterhood. Here’s a step-by-step guide to throwing a menstrual blood oath ceremony that the bride-to-be will never forget!
Step 1: Sync up and set the date.
A menstrual blood oath ceremony requires—you guessed it—LOTS of fresh period blood. Coordinate accordingly so that all bridal party vaginas are on the same track and you can all simultaneously menstruate during the ceremony. Just in case things don’t line up (because effing Brittany won’t get off Yaz even though she KNOWS copper IUDs are what your squad is all about), freeze all period blood leading up to the ceremony, then set it under a hot faucet before the ritual begins.
Step 2: Reserve a decaying mausoleum.
With the uptick of Wiccan activity and gothic LARPing, mausoleum spaces tend to fill up very quickly. Be sure to reserve your venue far in advance so you don’t miss out on a true spiritual experience! If you’re in a bind and can’t find a mausoleum in time, any abandoned penitentiary will do fine.
Step 3: Memorize the Necromantic Oath of Sisterhood.
As a symbol of female solidarity, each member of the bridal party must recite this incantation found in The Necronomicon, in Chapter VII: Magick for Ladies. Can’t find a copy of The Necronomicon? Mix it up a bit—get creative and write your own blood vows!
Step 4: Get a bunch of dick-shaped party favors.
This is a must. Duh! Did you think you were getting out of penis straw-buying duty just because you’re a witch? You might be an unholy blood maiden but you’re still a woman, dammit! But skip the basic bachelorette sash and drape a goat’s reproductive organs onto the bride. Fun!
Step 5: Make a fun playlist.
Ancient menstrual blood oath ceremonies were probably stuffy and boring. Bring this party into the 21st century by inviting your good friends Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, and Katy Perry! Pick tunes that you think it’ll be fun to mix period blood to, because that’s what you’ll be doing.
Step 6: Let the ceremony begin!
It’s the bride’s last night of freedom and all she wants to do is get drunk on her fellow sisters’ shark bait! Let the Diva cups runneth over and celebrate your eternal bond! Don’t forget to stay hydrated and bring lots of Advil for your fellow sisters. Migraines and cramps can suck big time!
Normal bachelorette parties can get boring and redundant. Get on the communal rag and throw a party that’s unique and forever binding!