Everyone’s always asking me, “How do you stay so thin?” “What diet are you on?” “Can I BE you?” The secret to my trim figure is one simple thing: paper. The moment I started eating paper, my life changed. Pulp does wonders for the body. I’ve lost weight, I have more energy and my skin has a healthy, grainy glow. My fiber levels are off the charts!
Eating paper can be overwhelming for first-timers, but once you start, you’ll never eat food intended for humans again! Here are seven of my favorite paper snacks.
Maybe you’re carbo-loading to go into hibernation for the rest of winter. Or, maybe your hunger strike is affecting your appetite again. If you don’t mind a few extra calories, or you’re in the mood to treat yo self, go for card stock. It has that satisfying, filling taste without the thickness of cardboard, plus the color options are endless giving you that colorful plate a former food-eater craves!
Wide-Ruled Notebook Paper
When you have a choice, it’s best to avoid college-ruled if you can. But it’ll do in a pinch if you have no other options. Those thin blue lines are high in fat—not the good kind—but wide-ruled packs significantly more white space.
They’re bite-sized, and they come in ANY shape you can imagine. Heart? Dragonfly? Steam engine? Check, check, check. The best part is, it’s easy to make your own! But be careful—they’re so small and easy to eat that before you know it, you’ve devoured a whole recycling bin’s worth, giving yourself a bloated belly. Pro tip: You can find great paper punch-out recipes on Pinterest.
Choosing a toilet paper snack is like choosing a wine, because there are so many variables at play. Let’s start with the basics: one-ply, two-ply or three-ply—or if you’re really hungry, there’s multi-ply, the “Supersize Me!” equivalent. Then there’s cotton, rippled, itchy-scratchy environmentally friendly, ambiguous store brand textured, and that weird quilted kind you’ve only seen at your aunt’s house. Finally, are you craving plain white, or a rejected paper towel design? All are options! Try different ones out to see what feels most like really eating.
Light, crisp and refreshing. The Swiss cheese of papers. Pinkies up!
Your Younger Sister’s Wedding Invitation
This is a special breed of snack. Your younger sister’s wedding invitation is embellished with gaudy golden flakes and ribbons, enticing your taste buds. It looks perfect on the outside, and it’ll make you look perfect on the inside, too! Treat yourself to an endoscopy so you can see how fancy your golden guts are now.
The Booklet That Came With Your DVD Player
This thin paper is REALLY good for your immune system, but only if you can eat around the staples. Don’t get me wrong; the staples are delicious, but they tend to cause more harm than good. There’s no point being skinny if you’re dead!
The next time you hit a 3 PM slump, don’t reach for caffeine or sugar. Tear off a corner of your notebook page, hit the library, or raid the printer. Paper for everyone!