Ah, new love! Your brain says, “Take it slow,” but your heart says, “I’m in love!” You find yourself thinking about him all the time, wanting to text him about every little thing that reminds you of him. Gifts are a great way to show him affection, but this relationship is not at the “love” stage yet, and these five inexpensive gifts will definitely scare him away, Karen. God, Karen, you always do this…
He mentioned maybe getting Bluetooth speakers, but that’s not you’re your problem. Definitely do not get him those speakers from Target that are actually pretty reasonably priced and that you found a coupon for, Karen. Yeah, a decent speaker for under $20 is a steal and it’s really no biggie for you to buy them, but honestly, it’s just too much right now. Just because he mentioned speakers that one time doesn’t mean you should buy him speakers. He probably already forgot he said it. It’s too much, Karen. It’s too much.
Tickets to the Game
Hey, he likes the Phillies, and your coworker is giving away two tickets to Saturday’s game literally for free! He’d definitely want to go. But is it weird that you remembered that he liked the Phillies from perusing through all of his Facebook photos and this is a thing he’s literally never mentioned to you? Yes. Don’t be insane. And don’t pull any shit like getting him a Phillies cap. It’s all the same—a cap means “we should go to a game sometime,” “I care about your interests,” and “I’m honing in on your guy time.” Go home, Karen. Let this one go.
This might seem safe at first. He definitely does not own a dish sponge at all. They cost less than a dollar. You’re staring at a three-pack right now. But if you get him a sponge does that mean you’re judging him for not being clean enough? Or are you just planning to be in his apartment all the time, washing his dishes for him like some maniac? Are you moving yourself in? Goddamnit Karen put down the sponges.
Starbucks Gift Card
This is the default gift of lazy aunts everywhere. You can’t go wrong with a Starbucks gift card. But why are you trying to buy him anything in the first place?! You’ve been on three dates. Three dates, Karen. He can’t buy his own coffee? And if he can, wouldn’t he go to a locally owned place rather than a mega-conglomerate like a mindless cog in a machine?? This has bad idea written all over it, Karen!
A Pack of Gum
What? Why?! Just stop. Why do you do this?
Remember, Karen, do not buy any of these small everyday gifts for your guy. If he knows you think about him when he’s not around, he’s for sure out the door. Next time you’re about to say something like,å “I just picked up a little something” or “Oh, I just saw this and thought of you,” put down that bookmark and walk away. STOP IT KAREN. JUST STOP.