How to Steer Him Away from Your Fart Path

Getting more fiber into your diet is a great idea, unless you’re trying to impress a guy you’ve just met. It’s never easy to get his number when he gets a whiff of your lentil soup fumes, so if you’ve got to let it out, here are some tricks to use to steer him away from your toxic chemtrail:


Point at a thing.

Nothing works to distract someone from a terrible smell like going, “Ohmigosh, what IS that!?” and thrusting your arm past his head and pointing at something on the ceiling. Then, either push him in the direction of the mystery thing or walk away as fast as you can and then don’t run into him the rest of the night or ever again.


Offer to buy him something.

Beer works best for this, as it’s probably the least expensive option. If he’s not done with his first beer (guys are always drinking beer), power-slam your drink and say you need another, and why doesn’t he lead the way? Do NOT make the mistake of letting him follow you. You probably have another fart building at this point and don’t want him in the line of fire. Is he trying to be a gentleman, pushing you ahead of him by the small or your back? Say you lost a contact, can’t make out the bar, and really need him to take the lead.



Yell, “Fire!”

Speaking of fire, try yelling about it. Don’t yell “rape” because that’s classless. Yelling “fire” is a savvy way to clear the entire area, so no one will smell your fart. If someone calls you out, tell them you’re tone deaf and were just trying to sing Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire.”


Kiss him very hard.

This takes guts, but trust us: Your guts will be thanking you. Right after a terrible fart, kiss him spontaneously (guys love this) and push him into the nearest wall, hard. Hopefully, the wall is just far enough away that you leave the scent’s vicinity, and just close enough that you don’t knock him over right through the smell. If you do still smell something, pretend it’s coming from the area that you just entered. The best thing about man’s sense of smell is he can’t sense the direction of smells.


There’s no excuse for letting a man smell your worst toots. When you feel ‘em coming, get him running!