Majority of Time Cleaning Room Spent Reading Old Journals

It was just discovered that for the majority of time that Nima Shaw claimed to be cleaning her room last Sunday, Shaw was, in fact, sitting cross-legged on her bedroom floor reading her old journals.


What Shaw didn’t know was the first high school journal she found was just one of seven of which she would eventually uncover and read every page.


“Truthfully, I have no regrets,” said Shaw. “It was like reading the best memoir ever: one of my own life. Being able to travel across time to previous me’s and view with a fresh and wise perspective the emotional trials of my adolescence, or even me last month, was a wonderful and essential experience.”


“I laughed, I cried, I felt the pang of my parents divorce and the exuberance of the time I was first eaten out correctly,” Shaw added. “Honestly, this is good writing.”


After Shaw tore through all of her old journals, she reportedly began reading every letter and card she has ever received.


Shaw’s room, however, remains unchanged.


“So many precious memories,” Shaw said. “This is a love letter from my first girlfriend when we were long distance. And this is a birthday card from my Uncle Lou. Hm, I don’t have an Uncle Lou? This must be my roommate’s; I don’t know how this got in here.”


In a last-ditch effort to continue the binge, Shaw finally started the read old papers from college she still had tucked into a desk drawer.


“I saw a 14-page research paper on misogyny in the Oresteia and I was like wow, okay, that sounds interesting,” Shaw explained. “It’s crazy that this all came from my brain. Oh my god, have I gotten stupider since college?”



When reached for comment, behavioral scientist Dr. Shonda Wells said that Shaw’s behavior was far from abnormal.


“People have an impulsive need to consume their own journals,” said Dr. Wells. “As to why, the science isn’t quite there yet, but we believe it to be a potent combination of nostalgia and narcissism.”


While Shaw did not end up cleaning her room whatsoever during the seven-hour period she spent in it, she has plans to return to the task next weekend, and this time she claims she won’t get distracted.


“I’m just going to blast music and get right to work, no stopping,” said Shaw. “Oh, my god, wait, is that a stack of old polaroids?”