REPORT: No Way You Can Pull Off That Hat

Following a comprehensive study out of UPenn, there is absolutely no way that you are going to pull off that freaking hat.


“It took years for us to develop a system that evaluated our hypothesis with the accuracy we needed,” said Dr. Constance Ying, one of the main researchers involved with the study. “But we’ve finally come to the conclusion that hmmm, nah, that hat’s not really working for you.”


The study examined the appeal of you wearing numerous styles of hats, including fedoras, wide-brimmed hats, floppy sun hats, baseball caps, and berets.


“We even went as far as incorporating costume hats, like those plastic viking helmets with the big white horns,” said Dr. Ying. “And still, all conclusions pointed to the fact that maybe you’re just not really a hat person.”


“It seems that a simple, patternless beanie would still be fair game,” Dr. Ying added.


Friends of yours are not surprised.


“She’s always been one of those people who wanted to be a hat girl but couldn’t be,” said childhood friend Trisha Connors. “When we were in middle school, she was super into that newsboy hat trend that everyone was doing, and it was just…tragic. I almost had to stop hanging around with her.”


“She went through a bucket hat phase in college,” added Kim Crestwood, another friend. “And like, those didn’t work for anyone. But she looked especially ridiculous. Maybe it’s the shape of her head or something?”


And their assertions are, unfortunately for you, scientifically proven.



“I and the fellow researchers have worked incredibly diligently to get this paper published,” said Dr. Ying. “And so I can’t be clear enough when I say, with absolute certainty, that that hat is not going to work for you.”


“Please don’t undermine our hard work by attempting that Greek fisherman hat,” she added.