In a recent study of participants that were just me and only me, researchers have concluded that I am absolutely terrified, and that I am not going to stop feeling that way any time soon.
Due to external factors such as the political climate and an overwhelming sense that it’s all really fucking happening, I have not slept a full night in four months, eating three desserts a day to cope with overwhelming feelings of devastation, and no one has seen me take a deep breath in two years.
“The data shows that you are very fucking scared and looking at the people running this country you have very good reason to be,” says the lead researcher to me, as I am curled up in the fetal position wearing a giant stained sweatshirt and on the verge of tears, as usual.
While there have been past attempts to understand the intricacies of what is happening inside of me emotionally, this is the very first study where the data shows I am barely functioning due to the off-the-charts anxiety I am feeling for myself and for the many people experiencing hate and violence from this administration and the people it has emboldened.
“This is a very bad time to be alive,” explains the lead researcher. “Though you were our sample size, we are also seeing despair, depression and anxiety in millions of Americans heartbroken to be living in a country run by racist, homophobic, xenophobic sexists as the planet slowly dies right in front of us. Does it help to know you’re not alone?”
An anonymous source (me sitting on the bathtub floor as mascara drips down my face) confirms it doesn’t feel good, but makes sense.
“The research is clear: you are horrified,” says a researcher. “I should say I am also terrified and can’t go to a movie theater without clocking where every exit door is. But this study isn’t about me. It’s about you.”
This research team plans to continue studying me, mainly because they are worried about me.
“I’m glad people are noticing that I’m broken on a personal level and a national level,” says the participant (me wondering if I’ll ever smile again). “I don’t plan on leaving my house unless it is to buy an ice cream cake or to vote.”