Well, it took you a couple decades and a horde of private investigators, but you finally managed to find your birth father. And now, whether he likes it or not, he’s about to become a big part of your life. So why not treat him to a proper Father’s Day gift? One that says, “I know you don’t believe in this institution, but there’s nothing you can do about it now that I’m parked outside your house.” Here are some options!
1. A photo album commemorating all the memories you didn’t share. Assemble it using the photos you found of him on social media— a snap from his softball league,, or perhaps that selfie of him a at a goddamn Creed concert. Then add some photos from your own collection— you taking your first steps, your National Honor Society induction, you alone at various Daddy-Daughter dances. Compile all of the times you two could have been in each other’s lives but weren’t, because he slipped out on your mom in 1988.
2. A framed copy of your birth certificate, so he’ll never again be able to forget that he conceived a child. And then left her, pajama-clad, in a cardboard refrigerator box in front of the television while he packed up his things. Make sure the birth certificate copy is wide enough to cover most of his bedroom wall. (Also consider: Printing it into custom wallpaper!)
3. A coupon for a free oil change. This way, when the mechanics get under the car, they’ll be able to show him the tracking device you drilled into it. It’ll be a fun souvenir of the investigative hijinks that brought you two back together!
4. Organize a flash mob for him… inside his house. That will show him that you care AND that you know his garage code and made copies of his keys. Nothing soothes the pang of knowing you abandoned your child like watching a spontaneous, building funk-dance number. He’ll react to the routine with the childlike sense of wonderment you never had… because your father was never around and made no attempts to contact you.
5. Log into his Amazon account, since you have all his passwords now, and buy all the items he’s put aside in his wish-list: that hilarious boobs tie, the Buffalo Bills toast stamper, all three pairs of Crocs. It’ll be like you’re inside his mind, instead of just inside his confidential cyber-profile.
Any of these treasures are bound to imbue him with an affection so strong it’ll rival the level of your abandonment issues. Just because he left you when you were a tiny baby who lacked the object permanence to recognize he was gone for good until it was too late doesn’t mean that you can’t get him a Father’s Day gift— one that he’s going to like, dammit, or so help you you’ll download all of the personal information you found about him and sell it on Craigslist to the highest bidder. Happy Father’s Day!