5 Arbitrary Tests to Determine if He’s The One

Finding out if he’s “The One” can be stressful and confusing. But if you two are meant to be, you’ll just know. And if you don’t? Try these arbitrary tests!


Did he pick up the mail on his own accord?
This is a great and random way to determine if he’s “The One.” If he picks up the mail—WITHOUT YOU TELLING HIM TO—that means he cares about staying informed, keeping up with bills, and attending to life affairs, which is basically the textbook definition of “responsible husband.” And if he doesn’t get the mail? Well, who knows, maybe there’s another sign out there that he’s the guy for you. Swoon, probably!


Does he stock up on toilet paper?
This is great for when you’re on his toilet. When the toilet paper runs out, is there an enormous stack of replacement rolls within reach? If yes, then your man is “The One” about going Number One! And also, hopefully, about being your partner until death. A guy who can think that far ahead about toilet paper must be good with planning, which means he will be great with in-laws and a mortgage. Be sure to really freak yourself out over this one and spend an uncomfortably long time in the bathroom. You have to figure out if he’s your soul mate, and this is the way!


Does he have two vegetables?
Any man with two vegetables planned to have vegetables. It isn’t just an old tomato from when his mom was in town or a rotting bell pepper from a roommate who has sinced moved out—it is two vegetables that he bought. Maybe there is a meal plan in place or a recipe he’s going to try… either way, you have decided this is the test he needs to pass and in owning two vegetables your guy has proven that he is good and beautiful and “The One” you’ll marry. Can you imagine? Two vegetables!


Has he driven a big car?
However you can, you have to trick your guy into saying whether or not he’s ever driven a big car. If he has, arbitrary-huzzah! You can marry him! Because that means he’s confident and worldly! Big cars are hard to wield, and take a strong, fearless driver to maneuver them. Big cars also only get driven on big cross-country trips, moves, or cake deliveries. And if he’s done any of these three things, he’s well traveled and a guy on the go! He drove big cars! He had a rich, cakey past! He’s a citizen of the world! You are not reading into this too much!



Does he appreciate Mariah Carey as a vocal talent?
Yes, Mariah has diva-like tendencies, but can he get over the drama and appreciate her beautiful, complex voice? If so, this man is YOUR FANTASY; not only does loving Mariah Carey indicate that he is comfortable in his own societal-definition-of-masculinity, but it also means that he is in touch with his emotions. Wow! He is good and wise and beautiful and would probably go down on you while listening to the weird “Touch My Body” music video with Jack McBrayer in it and that’s hot to you for whatever reason so you have to lock this man down or up or whatever. Good thing you decided this is something that matters to you! Now you can rest.


Finding out if he’s “The One” may seem impossible—but using these simple and highly arbitrary tests, it’s as easy as 1, 2 VEGETABLES, OH MY GOD!