As a woman, the hardest part of fitness is not letting your tampon slip out of your lady place while you’re squatting. But if you really want to exercise, you’re going to have to be cool with the consequences. Here are the best toning and firming exercises that will definitely make you squat that tampon out if you do them correctly.
Body Squats
Squatting is a full-body exercise that firms your glutes while activating your core: a perfect combination for shooting a tampon out of your vag like a bloody little rocket ship. So next time your fitness instructor insists you get even deeper into that squat, let him know, “YOU’RE GONNA REGRET THIS.” as it shoots out and hits a kettle bell.
Lunges
To get the maximum benefit from this fundamental move, start with your feet shoulder-width apart and step forward, maintaining right angles on both legs. You also might want to stay down and just hold it there because boy, that tampon is really inching out right now. Yup, you can feel it. It just poked its little head aaaaand it’s out! Now you have the decision of whether to abruptly go handle this or let your little tadpole keep swimming around in your spandex. Repeat until the tampon is completely out of your body.
Tuck Jumps
The tuck jump involves tucking your knees as close to your chest as you jump. Actually, don’t do that, unless you want to land on the mushy tampon you clench-and-released in mid-jump. You could attempt to squeeze the thing back in, but it probably will not work. Oh well! You chose the wrong day to wear loose running shorts, so good luck explaining this to the person next to you!
Almost Any Yoga Position
Before you do any yoga position, get ready to part ways with your tampon. Downward dog? You’ll shoot it to the sky! Child’s pose? You’ll just poop it out slowly! Happy baby…are you kidding me? Say goodbye to your trusty sidekick because if you put that tampon in more than an hour ago, it’ll shoot out of you like a child down a waterslide!
These exercises are a great way to strengthen your core muscles and lose any degree of self-respect in just a single rep. As long as you wear the right pair of spandex, nobody will feel your pain but you!
