Samantha Turner, a 24-year-old from Westchester, NY, was enjoying a night of karaoke with her friends when she accidentally referred to their Korean waiter as “Kevin,” the name of her Japanese-American high school boyfriend, and just a week later, she has been given editorial column in The New York Times.
Before the accidental rabble-rouser could explain that she’d only done it because she was spacing out to the sound of Bright Eyes’ “First Day of My Life,” the song Kevin had awkwardly serenaded her with in junior year, she received a call from James Bennet, the Op-Ed Editor of The New York Times congratulating her on the job and thanking her for her honesty and steadfastness in her principles.
Samantha tried to explain that she had no interest in writing for the paper, but Bennet drowned her comments by thanking her for her honesty and reminding her that when the Op-Ed board beckons, one must respond to its call.
“We are committed to providing a platform for a diversity of voices,” said Bennet. “We feel that a balanced editorial staff must have more than white liberals, so adding literally any woman, no matter what she spews out was the easiest, most obvious, most progressive choice.”
Samantha claims she never meant to call their waiter by the wrong name, but The New York Times editorial board had already gone on Twitter to defend that one time in college she wore a sombrero and a fake mustache on Cinco de Mayo, but like, she didn’t know and now she knows better. Like, it was just one time.
Despite all her friends letting her know that it was totally fine, that she didn’t mean it, and that they would politely bring it up in conversation with Karen, their one Asian friend, Samantha’s fate was sealed. Before the night was over, she had already received an onboarding email from the HR office and comprehensive document explaining invoicing.
At the time of publication, and despite the fact that Samantha had still not written a single word for the newspaper, her writer page on the Times’ website already had several articles posted on it including a list of people who weren’t Nazis from the Charlottesville rally, a plea to Latino men to stop being so obsessed with her and her Westchester family, and a column titled: “It’s Actually More Racist If You Don’t Let Me Touch Your Hair.”