Last week Tampax unveiled plans to release a new tampon for the woman who just truly cannot get her shit together and remove her tampon at the correct time. The new product, Tampax: Scream, will simply scream when it’s ready to come out.
“For many years women have complained that our tampons lead to leakage when left in for hours or days past the recommended usage,” said a spokesperson for the brand. “We wanted to take the guess work out by creating a tampon that screams loudly and shrilly when it’s full. So you don’t bleed all over everything.”
Tampax users are already excited to try out the new product that shrieks loudly from inside your vagina to alert you that it’s full of your menstrual blood and ready to be removed.
“Even when I know I have a really heavy flow, I often tempt fate by leaving in my tampon for an extra hour or three. I’m not sure why,” said one woman eagerly awaiting the new tampon’s release. “I guess if my vagina was screaming, I’d have no choice but to get up and change my tampon. So I won’t bleed all over my office chair again.”
The new tampons will come with a variety of options, including applicator design and length and timbre of scream. Users can choose between “high pitched screech,” “guttural sob,” or “woman saying ‘oh my god no.’”
“Women are active. They’re busy. They don’t have time to think about whether their tampon’s been in for a full week by mistake,” the spokesperson added. “Tampax: Scream is pretty much ideal for any woman who sometimes puts in a tampon and forgets about it for so long that she has to change into her gym clothes and then throw her underwear and pants away in a public restroom.”
Tampax has also designed the screaming tampon to remind you if you’ve left that ‘last-day-of-your-period’ tampon in for a week longer than you should have.
“I mean yeah sometimes I just shove it up there and forget about it until it starts to smell like a corpse,” says Becky Buchanan, who received a special pre-release of the new product. “I’d rather my vag scream than smell, ya know what I mean?”
The tampons, which scream loudly for a sustained period of time when full, will naturally come in plain discrete packaging so no one suspects users might be on their period until the screaming begins.