How to Pass Off Your Crippling Anxiety as Cooler-Than-You Detachment

So you’ve been invited to a party. That’s great! Now’s the time to start processing that tidal wave of anxiety so you can be ready to socialize. You’ll probably never be able to interact with others in a warm, calm way, but what you can achieve is a quiet remove that’ll have them saying, “She must think she’s too good to be here.” Sure, you’ll never know the beauty of true friendship, but you can still seem low-key cool enough to intimidate everyone at this party. Here’s how:

 

Prep With Pep

A little positive self-talk will prepare you for your evening of hugging the wall near the record player. Convince yourself that this invitation was not a mistake or Carrie-esque trick and give yourself a pep talk. You can do it. You may suffer from such intense social anxiety that you once thanked a vending machine for giving you a Sprite, but tonight is the night you overcome it in the smallest, most off-putting way. Tonight is the night you say, “Oh yeah, hey, what’s up,” to destiny!

 

Amp Yourself Up

Listen to music and relax before your big night. Put on “The Jump Off” by Li’l Kim as you choose an austere ensemble that says, “I’m not panicking; I’m just bored.” Listen to the song a few times in a row while programming alarms to conveniently “answer” in case someone tries to engage you in conversation. They’ll be awed as you mouth “Sorry” and take the call, like an important businessperson. Maybe you’re Arianna Huffington, or in real estate?

 

 

Don’t Introduce Yourself

Now that you’re at the party, refrain from introducing yourself to anyone. Look at these people. They have all the friends they need. Important people like Rihanna and Edward Snowden don’t go around introducing themselves. Reclaim your power by withholding your name from all of them. As a bonus, no one can Google you and discover your lackluster number of twitter followers. You might feel lonely, but it’s better than feeling uncomfortable!

 

Look At Your Phone

This will make people wonder, “What’s she got goin’ on? Something cool, probably.” (If they think of you at all—you’re such an obvious faker in that matte lipstick.) When fake-texting, under no circumstances should you fake-smile about your fake interaction. Even this fake friend is not worth your time. People will leap out of your way as you walk and text without looking up. They won’t pity you even a little.

 

Avoid Eye Contact

Eyes are the windows to the soul, and your soul is fraught with terror. Don’t let anyone sense your weakness! Instead, use your surroundings to avoid the dread that comes along with eye contact. Cat at the party? Look at it. Bookshelf? Look at it. Split ends? You’re set for the whole night. At some point you’ll find yourself staring at someone, traumatized at the thought of saying hi to a stranger. If they look back at you, shift your focus to something directly behind them. Next time, bring sunglasses.

 

 

Dodge Acquaintances

The second you see an acquaintance, hide. After all, with a little more interaction these people could become real friends. (Conversely, they could not remember you at all, since you’re devastatingly mediocre.) If you do come face to face with one, call them by the wrong name to effectively neutralize them. Brainstorm options beforehand so you’re ready to cut them down with a swift “Gil?”

 

Don’t Go At All

Just stay home. You didn’t want to go anyway, right? What better way to project a boss bitch “I have better places to be” vibe than to simply not be there? Your absence will definitively assert your dominance and status as 2Cool4U (if anyone even notices you’re not there, you loser).

 

When loneliness consumes you in the dead of night, think of the times someone (might have) said, “Who was she? She seemed cool” after you left the party early.

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