Against all odds and defying all expectations, 23-year-old Atlanta, GA resident Vic McDunne checked her settings this morning to find that her screen time exceeds the number of hours in a day.
Wow, Vic! Didn’t think that was possible, but it’s kind of cool!
“I checked my screen time just for kicks, expecting it to be pretty high,” Vic told reporters gathered at her bedside while she cowered under the covers, crushed by the weight of time poorly spent. “And somehow it said I averaged a usage of ‘26 hours.’ What? How is that possible? Aren’t there only 24 hours in a day?”
Yes, indeed! That’s the kind of know-how you’d only expect from someone who’s browsing the interwebs for more hours than she spends with friends, looking up at the sky, or even being alive.
While the total number of hours came as a shock to Vic, it probably shouldn’t have, considering she falls asleep to Hulu reruns of Always Sunny, wakes up to her meditation app, and spends the rest of the day alternating between various social media sites, a few word games, and the New York Times cooking app.
As far as the ramifications of this reading go, Vic is worried it’s going to take years off her life.
“Am I experiencing time differently than other people?” she pleaded. “Will I be killed? Are the extra hours taken off my lifespan at the back end? Oh god, won’t someone, anyone, just tell me something?”
“What we see here is a technicality that’s just kicked Vic’s ass,” Apple software engineer Matt Forbos told reporters, not hiding his smirk. “You see, she spent quite a bit of time on social media sites while also listening to music, and for the sake of an accurate reading, that actually puts her over the 24 hours in a typical, God-given day.”
He then laughed maniacally, which was quite rude, considering a girl is in distress.
“I am in distress!” Vic yelled. “I mean, I would lower my screen time from here on out, but I thought we were proposing practical, realistic solutions! Let’s be honest here: I’m not changing shit!”
Reporters found this honesty refreshing, if not a little disturbing.
At press time, Vic was determined to lower her screen time by throwing her phone off of a three-story building and running it over with a car. It worked, but unfortunately, she’s instead begun spending 26 hours a day performing her typical phone tasks from her computer