In a record-breaking move, floater Stella Cooper has just clinched the position of “tangential friend” to 14 entirely different friend groups.
“I can hardly believe it myself,” said Stella. “When I first started floating around different friend groups in high school, I had no idea I was beginning to hone a practice I would employ for the rest of my life.”
Once Stella discovered how suited she was to maintaining surface level relations with groups of friends without becoming enmeshed in their drama, she never looked back.
“I always knew that becoming deeply involved in the interpersonal relations and individual lives of friends wasn’t for me,” said Stella. “Now I just float from group to group and enjoy the fun surface-y parts of their dynamics without getting bogged down!”
This social butterfly is a beacon of hope for those who aspire to dabble in many things while committing to nothing in all areas of life!
However, even for a pro like Stella, social floating hasn’t been without its bumps in the road.
“I’ve made my mistakes, alright,” said Stella. “Around the time I added friend group eight, something happened that shook my world: I was asked to be a bridesmaid.”
“I knew something had gone terribly wrong,” Stella continued. “A true floater is never a bridesmaid, always a fun, free-wheeling wedding guest. I had to cut ties immediately.”
But Stella has since learned from her harrowing brush with emotional dependence and expectations.
“Friend group floating is like wine tasting,” explained Stella. “You have to spit out the wine and move on. Otherwise, you might as well grab a bottle and invite some friends over to your apartment for a wine night, which I would never do because having people in my space is too intimate.”
“You go to the wine night,” added Stella. “Then leave after 70 minutes. That’s the sweet spot.”
While Stella has her level of social engagement down to a science, some are skeptical of her practices.
“I feel like Stella has some commitment phobia,” said Phoebe Welsh, a member of friend group three. “I have noticed that whenever shit gets real with us, she’s nowhere to be seen.”
“Did she really say that?” asked Stella. “Yikes, maybe it’s time for me to move on from friend group three. Oh well, there’s always plenty of other people to sort of be friends with!”
