‘I’m Not On Social Media That Much,’ Says Your Shadiest Friend

After asking if he saw the comments on a recent Facebook post, your most shady friend responded, “Actually, no; I’m actually not on social media that much.”


“I just think it’s kinda lame,” said the shadiest person you know, as if this was some kind of marker of social dominance he has over you. “I’m busy living in the real world.”



“Maybe he doesn’t want the women he casually dates to find out about each other,” says your way less shady but still kinda shady friend, Maria. “Or maybe he just doesn’t want any record to exist of the multitude of shady things and shady people that definitely comprise his day to day experience? Either way, super shady.”


When you asked him what he’s doing for work these days, he says he’s working on “a few side things,” which you could not verify because he is not active on Facebook or LinkedIn, and seems to change his phone number every other month.


The rest of your shady friend’s social media presence is equally blurry. He created an Instagram account but it contains no posts, no image, and the profile name is jk10934XL, none of the numerals of which appear to be a reference to anything you’re aware of. He says he “doesn’t fuck with Twitter.” His online presence is pretty much in line with your physical interactions with him, in which you occasionally bump into him from time to time at social gatherings, and he says he’s “not up to much” and that he’s “gonna go get another beer.”


When pressed on the reason for his lack of attention to social media, your shady friend says, “I’m just busy with other stuff.”