Busy women everywhere know that it’s all too easy to get caught up with your day’s many tasks and end up neglecting your own basic needs. Unfortunately, this lesson was learned the hard way for Shirley Madison, a demonic doll who terrorized an innocent family for weeks before realizing she was actually just hungry!
“I was created in the 40s by a socially outcast, unmarried old doll maker,” explains Shirley. “Probably just a nice gay guy, but, you know, different times.”
“Anyway, when he died mysteriously I was abandoned in the attic for a long, long time,” adds Shirley. “So when Olivia came up there while packing for college and sliced her hand on the box cutter, unknowingly reanimating me by spilling blood in my mouth, it’s safe to say I woke up in a pretty bad mood.”
Okay, yes! We all know how to feels to claw our way back to the living after a crazy nap, girl.
“It’s honestly so embarrassing to think back on everything I did after that,” says Shirley. “Appearing at the foot of your bed under the covers, crying like an innocent baby then laughing and spewing blood out of my eyes when you’re tricked into helping me, then trying to climb inside your literal uterus? None of that stuff is me.”
“Like, there’s a difference between who I am and what I do when I have low blood sugar,” Shirley says. “And until you’ve not eaten for several decades, you really have no idea what that feels like.”
While Shirley is taking everything in stride, the subject of her terror spree, the Meyersons, are having a harder time letting bygones be bygones.
“I guess I would say the trauma is irreparable,” complains Paula Meyerson. “She kept putting slaughtered birds in our cabinets, so that was very upsetting.”
“Ugh, yeah, that,” says Shirley. “I don’t know why when I’m hungry my brain just goes like, ‘Bird horror.’ So dumb, but if anyone had so much as offered me a spoonful of peanut butter, we could have avoided almost everything.”
Luckily, before long Shirley ate the family’s hamster and was well on her way back to her normal self.
“The hamster was gross,” Shirley says. “Sort of a mozzarella sticks at 3 a.m. situation, but sometimes it’s like, your body knows what you need.”
We stan an intuitive eating queen! Sorry, Meyersons!
